Ted Cruz Says Satan is Lurking in Your iPhone after CEO Tim Cook Says He’s Happy as Hell to be Gay

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DALLAS — Republican Senator Ted Cruz took a hammer to his iPhone last night in a dramatic and fiery sermon to the Southern Baptists of Texas. “The Devil is a sweaty homosexual who whispers in your ear to have man-on-man sex with your neighbor, your boss, the pizza delivery guy,” …   

Harper’s Suit of Shining Armour Held Up at Canada Customs

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OTTAWA — The Toronto Star is reporting that Prime Minister Stephen Harper has ordered a $1,300 (U.S.) suit of armour complete with an extra large helmet. But the Star says the FedEx package was addressed to “Mr. Knight in Shining Armour, 24 Sussex Drive, Ottawa, Ontario, K1M 1M4″ and this …   

Local Woman Can’t Decide What Type of Slut to be for Halloween

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PORT COQUITLAM, BC — Faced with a decision she knows will make or break her Halloween partying, local woman Cindy Dobson is torn over what sort of slut to dress up as on fright night this year.  Slutty nun. Slutty Girl Guide leader. Slutty Oprah Winfrey. Costume store workers say …   

Mitt Romney New Spokesman for “SunTan-in-a-Can” TV Ads

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WASHINGTON — Potential Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney was announced today as the new. advertising model for a leading fake suntan spray. “Mr. Romney sadly has pastey white skin,” Tan in a Can President Brett D. Begemann told the Washington Post in announcing the six-figure endorsement deal. “But 10 minutes …   

Harper’s Request to be on Wheaties’ Box Turned Down

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TARRYTOWN, NY — The Breakfast of Champions will not feature the smiling face of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper despite his formal request and Mr. Harper providing dozens of pictures of himself curling, duck hunting and scoring a goal for the Ottawa Senators. “We’re in the business of selling cereal …