Burger King Kills Timbits — Canadians React Angrily

Tim Hortons!

OAKVILLE, ONT — Tim Hortons new owners announced today that they will no longer be selling Timbits sweet doughy treats as a result of cost-cutting measures at the $23 billion company. But it appears they underestimated Canadians and their love for the “bite-sized blasts of flavour.” CBC is reporting that …   

Study Shows Pregnant Women Might Not be Idiots

PregnancyBANDWhiteFace

TORONTO — A groundbreaking new study suggests that the brains of pregnant woman remain functional throughout the gestational period. “We were very surprised to discover that their brains were actually very similar to the brains of non-gestating women, or adult males,” stated Dr. Hynes, who coauthored the study with her …   

Oil Industry Lays Off Thousands With Festive Sweaters as Parting Gifts

ChristmasSweaters2

CALGARY — With oil plunging below $60 a barrel, thousands of oil industry employees are suddenly being laid off, but with a touch of yuletide kindness. Fashionable and fun Christmas sweaters. “We’re putting a holiday smile on the faces of all our new ex-employees,” ExxonMobil VP of Human Resources Doug …   

CIA Torture Report Claims Bush Unaware of Rectal Feeding

CIATortureReportCheney

WASHINGTON — Dick Cheney is standing firm that no American agent ever, ever tortured any “sub-human scumbags” and that he patriotically kept then-President George W. Bush in the dark about most enhanced interrogation techniques being used. “I made the executive decision not to upset the President with the details about …   

U.S. Handwriting Experts Alarmed by Harper’s Degenerating Signature

HarperBeforeAfterSignature

OTTAWA — A group of leading U.S. forensic graphonomics experts have raised strong concerns about Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s possible mental instability after noting dramatic changes in his official signature, according to documents released today by the New York Times. “Mr. Harper’s signature has become, quite frankly, a very concerning cocky …