White People Asked to Please Stop Touching Black People’s Hair

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BALTIMORE, MD — The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) today asked white people to stop patting the heads of black people to see what their hair feels like. “If you see someone with a different nose, you don’t just walk up and stick your finger in …   

Catholic Church Says Gay is Okay — But Confused Cardinals Think it Means “Happy”

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VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis and his 213 Cardinals from around the world announced this week that the Church has no problem with people being gay. But media and gay rights groups quickly realized the Papal Enclave had spent two days debating happiness not homosexuality. “I myself am often gay,” …   

Sudan Governments To Enforce Gender-Parity In Slave Prices

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Pressured by numerous Gender Equality groups, the governments of The Sudan have mandated gender-parity in Child-Slave prices. In Darfur, and troubled South Sudan, the demand for child soldiers is at an all time high, a demand many traders are quick to fulfill. While most modern slave traders are Black or …   

Trudeau Asks Canadians to Contribute to Harper Retirement Fund

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OTTAWA — Liberal leader Justin Trudeau announced today that he has started a Kickstarter-like crowd-funding campaign with the target of raising $4 million to coax Prime Minister Stephen Harper into hanging up his political hat. “Mr. Harper is like chlamydia…makes you itch just thinking about it,” said Trudeau to media …   

Ex-President Bush Finishes Reading First Book

CRAWFORD, TX — George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States, proudly announced today that he has finished reading his first book and, surprisingly, it’s not the bible. “All my friends was buggin’ me for not bein intellectualish, so I found the top-rated book of fictional science (Science …