John Baird Denies Leaking Naked Photos of Himself — Claims They Were Hacked

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OTTAWA — Minister of Foreign Affairs John Baird is angrily denying CBC reports today that he used a Parliament laptop to post full-frontal selfies of him doing what could possibly be yoga or Tai Chi. The “obviously posed but less than flattering” photos reportedly show Baird in various yoga-like stretches …   

Prince William Bummed Kate Gets No Paid Maternity Leave

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LONDON — With tabloid news outlets desperately looking for new angles to cover the Kate-Middleton-has-a-Royal-bun-in-the-oven story, Lapine reporterers have confirmed that Prince William is in fact “Royally miffed” that the Duchess of Cambridge has failed to qualify for government maternity leave benefits. The British Ministry of Women and Other Equalities …   

Canadians Go Gung-Ho for Toronto’s Separation Bid

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TORONTO – Although only one third of those polled in this city agree that it “should become an independent nation”, it is almost certain that an emerging Toronto separation vote will take place according to poll results released today. “That’s because we also also surveyed Canadians outside Toronto who say …   

Scots Eat Sheep Intestines and Men Go Naked Under Their Skirts — CNN Coverage as Polls Close

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EDINBURGH — CNN’s insightful, in-depth coverage of Scotland’s vote on breaking away from the U.K. zeroed in on the important issues of Haggis and men wearing “nae knickers” under their kilts today. “I have to tell America that I met a genuine Scot today in real life and he was …   

NFL Adds Nuns to List of People Players Should Not Beat Up

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NEW YORK — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the league is serious about cutting down on off-field beat-downs by players and has added Nuns and handicapped people to the list of “No Hit ‘Ems”. “We’re not insensitive to the attention this controversial issue is getting,” Goodell told the …