Harper Reassures Canadians He’s Okay After His Wife Laureen Stung by Bee

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TORONTO — Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s office has just released an URGENT BULLETIN that he is absolutely okay in the aftermath of his wife Laureen getting stung on the thigh by a honey bee yesterday. Mrs. Harper was on the roof of Toronto’s Royal York Hotel with executive chef Gaston …   

Truckloads of Emergency Gideon Bibles Sent to Thirsty Detroiters

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DETROIT — Thousands of people lined up early this morning at local schoolyards to receive what they’d heard through the grapevine was free bottled water. The good news rumors were wrong and they all walked home with a complimentary Gideon Bible and a bright white button that read “He who …   

Jesus Still Doesn’t Appear on Mississippi Man’s Toast

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JACKSON, MS — As yet another two slices of evenly-browned toast pop up, 46-year-old Stanley (Stan) Nault studies them carefully and then tosses them in the garbage can with the dozens of others. The toasted Wonderbread had no images of Jesus. He’s disappointed but even after three years of trying …   

Obama is Dying His Hair Grey as a “Distraction” — Governor Perry

U.S. President Obama is greeted by Texas Governor Perry upon Obama's arrival in Dallas

AUSTIN — With his own shiny black hair glistening in the Texas sunshine, Governor Rick Perry today accused President Obama of “greying up his fro” to distract the American public from his failures. “I personally saw an empty box of Just for Men Touch of Grey in the Presidential Washroom …   

Confused Tea Partiers Misread ‘Conservationists’ – Show Up For Environmental Rally

Local Montana Conservationists were initially surprised at a larger than expected showing of support at a local environmental rally in Helena, though it quickly became clear that the majority of newcomers were confused Tea Partiers. Confused Tea Partiers had misread ‘Conservationists’ as ‘Conservatives’ and instantly flocked in mass, leading to …