91-Year-Old Virgin Bachelor Decides to “Just Do It”

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AKRON, OH — At his 91st birthday party, Walter Peters stunned fellow residents and nursing staff at his care home by announcing he was a virgin but about to “fix that damned foolishness.” Peters said he was going to have a bath, shave, put on his best clothes, and then …   

The Person Next to You is Likely Stoned — World Health Study

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NEW YORK — A new international World Health Organization survey shows that more than 2.6 million people of all walks, ages and lifestyles have recently tried marijuana for the first time. “The Starbucks’ baristas were almost all stoned for example,” said Dr. Erich Gurner, Directeur General of the WHO’s Social …   

Mayor Ford Served with Court Order for Plagiarizing South Park’s Cartman

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TORONTO, ON – The beleaguered crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has been slapped with a cease and desist order by Viacom Media Networks for continued use of trademarked materials following his remarks regarding his behaviour at the Toronto Maple Leafs game recently. In response to a question asked as …   

Bush Launches Paint-by-Number Kits

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DALLAS, TX — Following the success of his one-man art exhibition here this month, former president George W. Bush is expanding into paint-by-number. The Lapine has learned that he is in negotiations with Cultural Art, a market leader in the field. The theme of the offering is likely to be …   

Harper Bullies Putin into Celebrating Anti-Bullying Day

OTTAWA – In a surprising turn of events, Russian President Vladimir Putin has decided to mark the International Day of Pink in Russia following a tense 20-minute phone call from Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. The International Day of Pink is marked across Canada by wearing pink clothing in support …