TORONTO – In what is becoming an alarming trend, a pizza place on Yonge Street became the scene of an intense confrontation early this morning when an unidentified man from the Maritimes demanded to be served a donair, despite it not being on the menu.
The incident occurred at approximately 3 a.m. when a young man entered Ricky’s Rockin’ Pizza and asked for a “donny”, the east-coast late-night donair staple.
The clerk behind the counter was 17-year-old Jeff Morrow who had to first ask what a “donny” was and then had to tell the man that they didn’t serve donairs. The man quickly became enraged and said he wouldn’t leave until he was given one.
As terrified patrons looked on, the man grabbed a bottle of ranch dressing and one of Sriracha sauce and threatened to squirt if his demands weren’t met.
Onlookers tried to calm the man but he refused to listen, saying repeatedly that when he left the Maritimes his mother warned him to not to trust anyone west of Gaspé.
“How do you not know what a donair is?! Are ya stunnered?” he shouted at Morrow. He then calmly described the composition of a donair in lengthy detail, including stating that he wasn’t quite sure what kind of animal a “donair” actually was because he had never seen one in the wild.
He described donair as a “gorgeous lump of spinning meat more beautiful than the channel 13 weather lady.”
Police arrived to intervene after being called by patrons, but the man grabbed a bag of Ketchup potato chips and took off running into the night. As he disappeared into the darkness he drunkenly exclaimed “I’m the fastest man on Earth!”
Police Sergeant Don Donaldston told the Toronto Star that a similar incident took place in the early hours this morning at a pizza place across town. This second incident stemmed not from a lack of donair on the menu, but a lack of Garlic Fingers, “whatever the hell they are,” said Donaldston.
Police asked citizens to be on the lookout for a disheveled looking man in dirty jeans, a Halifax Mooseheads jacket, and a “Frizzel’s Autobody” hat.
Police also urged caution for Torontonians if approached by a Maritimer in any establishment that does not serve donairs.
Reportering for The Lapine