ASK MR. OBVIOUS: White Gunk on Lips is Called “Schmoo”

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Dear Mr. Blunt,
What is that white gunk at the corners of my mouth?
I haven’t eaten anything white today but I’m looking in the mirror and there it is like White Out. It doesn’t smell.
Thanks.
Student in Toronto
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Dear Toronto,
The medical term for this is “schmoo.”
As in, “That schmuck has schmoo and his left eye wanders.”
Schmoo is nothing to worry about. It is merely the waste excretion from your stomach as it tries to digest indigestible food-like stuff. The most commonly eaten stuff that causes schmoo includes Squeeze-A-Cheeze, KFC Gravy, the stretchy rubber on ketchup bottle lids, and your fingernails and toenails that you chew and swallow.
The white colour is a medical mystery also found in the oily white smear on sea gull pooies.
Keep up the healthy habit of smelling what your body oozes by the way, Toronto. Few people take the time.
Mr. Blunt

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Dear Mr. Blunt,
I’ve read that hackers steal the identites of innocent people on Facebook.
Every day when I go to my home page, some creep is there asking me what’s on my mind. Do I have a troll and should I call the police?
Signed,
New to Facebook
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Dear New to Facebook,
Hackers and trollers are known to be swarthy and have bad hygiene but are very intelligent people who really, really want to know what’s on your mind.
While you may at some point have to contact the Police and Interpol, the most effective way to get rid of your troller is to write a ripper of a message in the box under this threatening message that is there every damn day.
Use your own strong words but try something like:
“Hey cold sore! I know who you are and I watch you through your bedroom window at night. Die! Die! Die!”
That should take care of the problem.
Mr. Blunt

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Send your oddest questions to Mr. Blunt at thelapine@gmail.com. We will not use your real name even if you beg us. Please indicate if you have recently suffered a blow to the head.


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