Atheist Suicide Bomber Kills Eighteen Agnostics


STOCKHOLM -In a frightening display of rising sectarian violence, an atheist suicide bomber blew himself up on a busy street in Stockholm three days ago; killing eighteen agnostics and wounding over thirty.  Members of the ‘Swedish Atheistic Liberation Front’ (SALF) have claimed responsibility for the bombing. Declaring the attack as revenge against the explosive agnostic riots, which, last week, hospitalized several atheists and terrorized the atheistic community.

Swedish authorities have so far failed stem the rising levels of violence and growing sectarian divide. The prime minister of Sweden Fredrik Reinfeldt, himself an agnostic, strongly condemned the attack, yet also called for restraint among the broader agnostic community.  In an impromptu speech, the prime minister called on agnostics to not contribute to the violence, or launch vengeful vigilante attacks, saying that the proper authorities would see justice done.

Yet Mr. Reinfeldt’s message seems to be falling on deaf ears, prominent agnostic leaders and bloggers have already began urging retaliatory attacks in what is an ominous sign for the future of sectarian violence in Sweden. Sectarian divisions and violence have been increasing ever since the breakdown in talks between the mostly agnostic Government and the violently separatist SALF.

SALF, and the atheists they claim to represent, believe that there is no god, agnostics believe that there may not be a god. To outsiders, this difference in doctrine seems almost irrelevant; to believers it is a question of life or death. Therefore, such a small difference in doctrine can create such explosive hatreds, divisions and violence.

The spiraling violence has already purged once religiously diverse neighborhoods into homogenous sectarian strongholds of either atheists or agnostics. Strongholds, which, since the latest SALF terrorism, have begun exchanging nightly mortar fire in the escalating conflict that Swedish authorities seem unable to contain.

So far the United Nations response has been limited to broad condemnations of the violence from both sides; while Norway and Finland have been preparing for an influx of refugees and planning for the creation of possible peacekeeping buffer zones within Sweden in case the rising violence transforms into the civil war many expect. The United States, afraid of being embroiled in a long intractable conflict, have confined their involvement to verbal support for moderates on both sides of the sectarian divide. At this point, all one can do is put in concentrated thought that Sweden’s Atheists and Agnostics can reconcile before civil war breaks out and, together, realize the dream of one united Sweden.

Ryan Cresswell

Senior Editor Of The Lapine


Atheist Suicide Bomber Kills Eighteen Agnostics — 28 Comments

  1. SERIOUSLY!! Communities for atheists and agnostics and they kill and each other!!! WT* is this!! is it the modern version of medieval dark ages!!! please grow up.

  2. Yeah, firstly you’re an atheist so you don’t have to attend shorty congregations and meetings, but no, these swedes decide they need communities, and start wars for just again another reason why most people are against religions. Wtf???

  3. Pingback: » SATIRE Atheist Suicide Bomber Kills Eighteen Agnostics

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  5. WTF LOL, the first attackers are those Agnostics and they are the one who is mad from being suicide bombed by the defenders?

  6. Oh my god (actually I don’t believe in one and will kill anyone that is not sure I one exists), don’t you people realise this is a joke?

  7. Can we please just headline every satirical article with ** TO ALL GULLABLE, SIMPLE MINDED PEOPLE. THIS IS NOT REAL. IT IS A FUCKING JOKE. GET OUT MORE ***

  8. We cannot flirt any longer with dangerous tolerance and Freedom of Non-Religion. I suggest that young Atheist women be chained to my bed. As a precaution.

  9. Are you people retarded ? Half the comments here didn’t pick up on the fact that this is a parody on religious zealots. Effing morons.

  10. I live in Sweden. When I had read a few lines, I realized that what was described never happened. It took a while before I understood the satire.

  11. Only those heretic atheists would do such a thing. They are primitive and stupid people. And even let their women look like hoors walking around with their hair all free and showing!

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