Canadians Outraged as Harper Approves Chinese Takeover of Tim Hortons

tim-hortons

In an announcement that caught Canadians totally by surprise, the federal Conservative caucus has given approval to CFFFO (Chinese Fast Fast Food Organization) to purchase Tim Hortons Inc. for a reported $4.2 billion.

Citing the net benefit to Canada of new menu items, the Harper government approved the takeover by the Chinese government-owned agency at the same time backroom debates take place about the proposed $15.1 purchase of oil company Nexen by CNOOC (Chinese National Oily Oil Cooperative).

Both the Tim Hortons and Nexen takeover bids were at an identical 61% premium over stock trading prices on the TSX but social media reaction has been much swifter and harsher to the gobbling up of Tim Hortons.

“Harper should get some Tim Bits,” read one angry Twitter posting among thousands that hit when word started getting out about the takeover of the iconic Canadian coffee, donut and fast food chain that has 4,200 locations and 63% of the country’s restaurant coffee sales versus nearest competitor Starbucks’ with 8%.

The Globe and Mail reports that incoming New Esteemed Leader of the Chinese Communist Pary, Xi Jinping (pronounced Wooooo Wooo), won a 50″ LED TV on a Roll Up The Rim cup served to him during a visit last year to a Tim Hortons in Shanghai, and then instructed his Comrades In Acquisitions Committee to pursue the company.

Jinping was recently frustrated in his attempt to buy the privately-owned IKEA chain when the Swedish Government refused to approve his 61% premium offer to founder Ingvar Kamprad (pronounced Fleuven Kerplumpkin). The Globe reports this offer was made after the Chinese leader was excited to have successfully assembled an Almostvood Bookshelf.

POT STICKERS ADDED TO MENU

“Prime Minister Hyper has had too many double doubles,” said agitated federal Liberal leadership candidate Justin Trudeau. “This is bigger than that oil and gas sellout thing. This is Le Tim F****** Hortons.”

As outlined in the translation of a media release issued by CFFFO, the head office of the previously Canadian public company will remain in Ontario and “traditional favourites of the people” will continue to be served. New menu items announced include Dung Po Po Pork, King Pao Pao Chicken, Jiaozi (pronounced Wooooii), Gaa (pronounced Woo), and a popular Hong Kong breakfast meal, Dim Sum On A Fun Portable Bun.

The Prime Minister’s Office refused comment but controversial MP Rob Anders said he hopes “Timmy’s new owners” will now ban gays and “gender changers” from ever using the washrooms.

“Man I hope those commies keep the new chicken panini,” weighed in Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, a self-avowed big fan of Tim Hortons. “Those things have chunks of white meat the size of my baby toes. Love ‘em.”

Vic Issitude
Reporting for The Lapine


Comments

Canadians Outraged as Harper Approves Chinese Takeover of Tim Hortons — 82 Comments

  1. Just like the Conservatives to sell out and a great Canadian icon like Tim Horton’s at that. How can that piece of SHIT let Tim’s go, it was bad enough when Wendy’s bought it. Didn’t he say he was never going to let another Canadian company go to a Chinese Government owned company? What did that PIECE OF SHIT DO, allow a Chinese Government company take control of a Canadian company and an icon at that. Fucking sell out is probably using it secretly to get a trade agreement and sell out the rest of Canada.

    NEVER BUYING ANOTHER TIM HORTON’S AGAIN THANKS TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT IN OTTAWA.

    • Seriously, are you really that stupid?
      If you are not trolling please call whatever schools you attended and explain to them just how drastically they have failed you.
      If you paid for any post secondary education and were awarded any degree or diploma I believe you have grounds to sue that institution.

  2. Why doesn’t MP Rob Anders go suck a Dick u piece of shit… How dare you stero- type anyone. How dare you say are Canadian, we are a free country who legalized gay marriage. Maybe Rob ford will let you smoke some of his crack.. what is wrong with our government today this is why I never vote MP

  3. haha this is real idiots look and the articles on the side plus tim hortons is owned by the states and not owned by the goverment

  4. How does Harper have the nerve to call himself a Canadian. It must have been an accident of the highest level that he was born here. HE HAS SOLD US OUT IN EVERY POSSIBLE AREA OF POWER. We have so few totally Canadian companies left. To sell out the highest earning food retailer to a foreign country is outrageous. WHY DID THEY WANT TO BUY IT – THINK ABOUT IT MR. HARPER. You say you want to build this country -stop selling it to the rest of the world and invest in our industries, people and communities. YOU SIR ARE A TRAITOR TO TO THIS COUNTRY IN MY OPINION AND YOUR BACK ROOM SECRECY IS DISPICIABLE.

    • Okay, so I have been educated about this site and feel a fool for being so reactive. But then I would rather react than be apathetic and allow such action to go by without reaction.

      • We totally agree about reacting rather than being apathetic Lyn. We write satire to poke at things that need to be poked at (and it’s fun). And if satire makes people consider the underlying issue of the story and, yes, react…bingo. Thanks for the comment.

  5. Way to go Harper, first you send another 15 mil half way across the world but you cant help out the people in this country? Wonderful leader this country has

  6. You are joking

    This must be a joke. Timmies is such a part of Canada that I probably won’t buy from it again if it is taken over by a foreign company. Maybe that should be put forward.
    As I, as many, buy Tim’s coffee because it IS Canadian

    • Were you buying there last year? Because it was bought by Wendy’s which is a US company. It just didn’t get into the newspaper. Meanwhile, Harper is cutting health care!!!

  7. Now that I have read the whole article, realise it is a hoax. Knee jerk reaction but I do find the Rob Anders comment a hoot. He is someone that we should be proud that we elected so that he can sleep his way through the commons and represent us as an icon of homophobia.

  8. “The Lapine is all about poking people and things that deserve to be poked. It is satirical commentary written by all kinds of people from here, there and darned near everywhere.”

    ‘Nuff said…

  9. Harper is a sellout Canadians wake up new world order is coming they are doing it because if the states collapse who owns America china does and Canada is in debt to the same reserve as Americans . Nafta was the biggest mistake in Canadian history free trade what’s free trade it’s called our land and slavery and FEMA camps
    Population control in a very mean way out own goverment shooting at us

  10. Does that mean all Tim bits will have a message in them? Just saying….lol….if this is true, Harper can go F himself. What the hell are they thinking? I’ll never drink another Tim’s coffee again.

  11. First of all, there is no Tim Hortons in Shanghai. I have lived there for the past 14 years. Secondly, if it ever is taken over by Chinese, or any other foreign country, it would be devastating to Canadians and we would all just stop going. This boycot would be easy! Thirdly, Mayor Ford may be an ass, but at least he is making an effort to interfere in the railroading that he and his companions are getting by refusing to step down. That statement about commies is no doubt, inaccurate, as is the whole entire story, totally designed to test just how stupid people really are!

  12. You know what amazes me,,,us Canadians whine and bitch about foreign countries taking all of our jobs and foundries but not one of you will change you life habits and not support any products from China or wherever besides here. We as consumers need to pull our heads out of our ass’s . Its well known that if none of us bought anything from China or Japan for only one month ( I know such a hard thing to do ) that their economy would crash so hard that it would take them forever to get out of ! Small price to pay don’t ya think for Canadians to regain their dignity ?!

  13. Are you people so slow that you didn’t catch the CFFFO (Chinese Fast Fast Food Organization) and CFFFO (Chinese Fast Fast Food Organization) just in the first two paragraphs? Do you seriously think they exist? Really? -_-

    • I don’t know why that surprises anyone, Mulroney’s free trade agreement with the U.S. and Mexico sold Canada down the river now Harper is doing the same with the Chinese Gov’t just so corporations can expand their markets and it won’t benefit the citizens of Canada one bit. Canada’s corporations are mostly foreign owned anyway.

  14. Come on people, your not buying this garbage, are you. The Lapine is Canada’s Best Satirical Online Newspaper. It satirizes politics, life, media and the human condition, with a special focus on Canada.

    Tim Horton’s is staying Canadian.

  15. We were always worried the U.S. was going to take over Canada for out water and oil. The U.S. has borrowed Billions from China and truly indebted to them for life, unable to get out of the heavy debt load.
    Canada has been fiscally responsible, minimal debt, and our banking system is Number 1 in the world. China cannot “Bail” us out, so will purchase all of our Corporations, and still be able to run the country from the inside out.
    If we continue to allow China to purchase as many huge corporations as they are buying at this rate of speed, they will take over our corporations, thus being able to take over the fiscal growth of our country. They are communist government….if they have control of the U.S. and then control of our growth, and have billions of people that have no room to live in a small country, where do you think they will go, and which corporations do you think will hire them? Is it just me, or has anyone else thought of China taking over North America, a little at a time? We should be worried.

    • Yes, exactly faaaak China and their fukking little Panda. They are killing their people, babies, and women. I would like to put one of their china babies on one of the exotic panda pictures. And I hope that the Polar bear rips the panda to shreds. Dam communists torture their own pets too they eat them after they skin them alive. Idiots think they can just take over countries..No fukken way! And those Americans are so stupid just feeding off of child labour in china and other countries. Taking advantage of children and oppression and Dictatorship.. Supposed to be the land of the FREEE..

  16. Seriously????? This is satire people…if you want something REAL to be angry about research the T.P.P. How can so many people be so stupid?

  17. Really satire? So the NHL isn’t being taken over by Russia either? The CFL hasn’t been bought by the NFL and the US rules aren’t being implemented? Damn, I fall for everything!

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  19. This is crazy and if it is true I think I will be switching coffee real soon good luck China. I’m Canadian not chinadian, stand up canada.

  20. This is outrageous (pronounced fluevig kerplumpkin). I am calling my MLA Tim Smitherbottoms (pronounced woooooo woooo) first thing tomorrow.

  21. MANY OF THESE COMMENTS SHOW JUST HOW GULLIBLE PEOPLE ARE AND HOW THEY DON’T STOP TO THINK FIRST. IF THEY DID, IT WOULD BE CLEAR THAT IT’S AN APRIL FOOLS DAY PRANK. AS THE MOTHER OF FOREST GUMP WAS FOND OF SAYING “STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!”

  22. Country Times is looking better all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Let’s get rid of this @$#%^& Conservative Government while we still have the chance to keep part of Canada!

  23. Just another reason added to the hundreds already to get rid of HARPER. R u kidding me I just wonder what he got out of it hmmmm

  24. If this happens I will not buy a single thing from Tim’s again just on fucking principle the ONLY reason we drink it so much and with so much pride I because its Canadian I hope everyone else follows suit and boycotes this bullshit

  25. Walk In fuck shit up and walk out…. that’s the way our government ha seen from the beginning it’s nothing new people. Get used to it nothing will change.

  26. Look at all these fucking idiots who think this is a real story! Apparently a large majority of you are illiterate morons who can’t understand that THIS IS SATIRE.

    • An odd thing Paul. I co-own The Lapine. My business partner and I have never met. That is the new satire.

  27. I didn’t know the Govt was THAT hard-up for money. This has to be some kind of a sick April Fools joke. Right? Very soon the Chinese Govt will own Canada (as if they don’t already, nearly, own it now).

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