CIA Tells Canada to Stop Whining About Argo

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“Americans didn’t stop for tea. We looked the Eyeranees in the eyes, went at ‘em and got the job done,” reads the post-Academy Awards release from the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA).

“The CIA showed up with boners after the bad guys were gone. Shouting, spitting tobacco, and waving guns around like happy hands after it was all over was not what saved Americans in Iran,” reads a terse release from former Canadian Ambassador Ken Taylor.

Following the Oscar Best Picture award, the Argo skirmish is on.

CIA Chief Director and CEO Stuart Will, wearing Armani, pulled no punches when he told Canada’s favorite red carpet reporter Ben Mulroney that Canada should “reach down and find their itty bitty balls.”

“Canadian diplomats in Tehran smelled their fingers for 6 months,” Will told Mulrony, wearing Hudson Bay. “And my boys…damn I love my boys…went in saved lives right under the drooping nose of the Ayiiyayii Atollah.”

The Academy Award Winning Argo credits itself as being “Based On An Actual Story.”

This controversy decades later is based on whether the Canadians in Tehran wasted 6 months of time hiding Americans under their own beds in the Canadian Embassy, sneaking in and cooking food for them, lying into the the gun barrels of Iranian Honor Guards, and allowing Canadian Army troops to beat up Iranian spies in nearby pubs, or whether the CIA was cleverly orchestrating all events behind the scenes, unknown to media, diplomats, or the President.

“We like Canadians,” said Will, still wearing Armani. “They just don’t know how it’s done in America.”

Vic Issitude
Reporting for The Lapine

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