OTTAWA -The betting exploded within minutes of the announcement and the unprintable trash talking was seconds behind as controversial Conservative MP Rob Anders accepted Liberal leadership candidate Justin Trudeau’s challenge to a 3-round “ugly, unfriendly” boxing match.
The fight, to take place November 3rd, came about after Trudeau became enraged by Anders’ recent comment that former Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau, Justin’s father, was “a lumberjack and that’s okay.”
“Yeah I went there,” Anders (40) tweeted after posting suggestive comments about the late Trudeau and a weekend at an all-inclusive in Varadero with the late Fidel Castro, and Rolling Stones star Mick Jagger.
Trudeau (41) initially reacted strongly but in a parliamentary manner issuing a statement saying, “I’d like to point out that the Honourable Robert Newt Anders started his political career as a heckler with the Republican Party in Oklahoma. Check his bio on Wikipedia. Today, Mr. Anders proved he has perfected those skills.”
Trudeau dropped the polite language, however, when Mr. Anders posted a picture of Castro in a hammock-style bathing suit with “Pierre mon ami. Wish you were here. Fid.” written in sharpie across the bottom.
“In an alley or a ring, I’m going to smack his ass,” raged Trudeau after shouting out a string of obscenities that shocked other patrons at the Les Curls Salon in Montreal.
“Little Justie’s gonna smack my ass? Acorn not falling far from the tree and all that,” replied Anders from a ribbon cutting ceremony at the new Canadian Baptist Camp for Middle Class Children west of Calgary.
Prime Minister Harper is in a difficult position as even his own party members have been calling for Anders to be reigned in following a string of recent comments about transgendered Canadians wanting legal protection to hang around in public washrooms with their iPhone cameras, and a statement that former NDP leader Jack Layton is in fact not dead but happily out of the limelight running a motel owned by Thomas Mulcair in Kamloops, B.C.
“This is personal. It’s a matter of honour,” said Trudeau after issuing the challenge from the steps of Parliament in an unusually early snow storm. “Mr. Anders has attacked Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Ellen Degeneres, veterans, people who stutter, hybrid cars, the late Princess Diana, all of China, most of Newfoundland and Labrador, Thomas Mulcair, Thomas Mulcair’s deadbeat father, the town of Bashaw, facial moles that grow hair, Michael J. Fox, puppies, casual Fridays, Big Bird, Jane Goodall, relaxed fit jeans, Roll Up The Rim, LGBTs, and now my father. Enough.”
“I never attacked hairy moles…that’s a lie,” snapped Anders when woken from a nap and told of Trudeau’s comments by reporters. “Listen, everyone knows I like most people but I don’t like Junior Trudeau. He’s against the seal hunt. He wears cardigans. He has a moose tattooed on one shoulder and a fucking beaver on the other. That’s just not normal.”
Trudeau, who recently won a boxing match against Conservative Senator Patrick Brazeau that raised $250,000 for cancer research, said that this new fight will raise money for Katimavik (a wilderness training program for young Canadians that was recently defunded by the Conservative government) if he wins, or for the Prayers for Calories Coalition (an evangelical obesity management organization) if Anders wins. Whichever group recieves the funds raised, the bout is promising to be a no-rules street fight more akin to mixed martial arts or NHL hockey.
“Anders is a good clean dirty fighter. He’s my boy,” said Don Cherry, an unemployed, card-carrying Conservative.
“They’re both dinks,” snapped employed Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke.
“I don’t normally bet except on Bingo but I’m putting $5 on Justin. Oooooh, his father was dreamy,” hummed Anne Murray from Truro, Nova Scotia, where she says she is launching a new designer line of pant suits, mounting a new-sound comeback, and recording with South African alt band Please Touch My Bung Hole.
The Globe and Mail reports that an estimated $2.5 million has been illegally wagered on the fight, prompting Lotto Canada to add the amateur event to its Sports Select betting available at kiosks and grocery stores. On-line wagers have been flooding in to sportsbook.ca. (Must be legal gambling age.) Early odds have Trudeau a heavy favourite at almost 2 – 1 but in over/under wagering that no one understands, Anders is on top.
“Me on top of Justin? Sweet,” joked the 5’11”, 200-pound-ish member for Calgary West.
The fight will be broadcast live on Saturday, November 3rd at 6 pm central on Sportsnet from Winnipeg’s Sure You Betcha Casino.
Toronto Mayor Ford offered to bet his new 2013 Cadillac Esplanade on Anders but was informed that the vehicle belongs to the City.
Reporting For The Lapine