First off, before one can attack something, one must first define it. Unless, of course, your last name is also a shrub, which ours, most regrettably, is not. So we shall therefore begin by proceeding to define the hippie threat. There are many different kinds of hippies, just like, not entirely coincidently, the many different kinds of spiders, or poisonous snakes. Yet, just like spiders or poisonous snakes, despite the different varieties which can be found amongst them, be it through behavioral observation or careful dissection, there are certain traits to which all members of the specific species conform. A snake cannot walk; a hippie cannot dress. A spider has eight legs; a hippie has two.
Hippies can be further defined into two categories. Similar to the way we can look at both spiders and poisonous snakes; as two separate categories of something we do not like.
All hippies fall under one of the following two groups, the hedonist and the ‘six year old girl’. Sometimes a hippie, as a bizarre product of cross breeding, will fall into both categories, categories which shall now be described in greater detail.
The first category is commonly referred to as ‘the hedonist’. The hedonist is also known as a stoner, and is usually from a rich and privileged background. It listens to music vaguely reminiscent of the 60s, smokes marijuana in industrial quantities, and complains about capitalism and the environment while not actually knowing, or doing, anything about either. Sometimes this specimen will go on mushroom ‘trips’ in the nearby forest. These ‘trips’ resemble the spirit quests of Native Americans, only with drugs, drooling and absolutely no personal growth, cultural relevance or sacredness of any kind. This sad specimen, will, by the age of forty, either still live with its parents or, having betrayed the corrupted ideals it once held dear, be a corporate executive, happily outsourcing jobs to grateful children in Bangladesh.
The second kind of hippie is euphemistically known as a ‘six year old girl’. This hippie is remarkably similar to the ‘hedonistic’ kind, except for two key differences. The first difference is that for this specimen of hippie, in relation to the other species of hippie, failing at life and still living with its parents by the time it is forty is an absolute certainty, as opposed to being of merely high probability. Secondly, the ‘six year old girl’ hippie has been known to gruesomely morph into what is commonly known as a hipster. This is clearly, like spiders and poisonous snakes, a classic example of evolution gone wrong. The hipster is at oft times trumpeted by, and spotted with, papists and priests who attempt to use it to show off the inherent evils of evolution. Though, the fact that hipsters, or hippies, flaunt pants which are already ripped or ungodly tight, probably doesn’t hurt their relations with the clergy either.
Now that we have clearly defined the hippie movement in all its depraved excess, we shall proceed to deconstruct the last possible remaining argument defending hippies. Do hippies represent an genuine, if misguided attempt to turn away from the rampant materialism which plagues our society? Do they attempt to tone down the vanity and self consciousness that permeates our culture? In this very narrow sense, is parading around non-name brand clothes and unfashionably torn and neglected apparel a good thing; on a broader socio-cultural level? Besides, of course, providing employment for many underage children around the world, does their flaunting of cheap non name brand clothes provide some benefit for the rest of us? The Lapine would argue, completely and irrevocably, that it does not.
In ancient Greece, the eminent and learned philosopher Socrates, was once challenged by his fellow philosopher Aristipus. Arisitpus, among other things, was a hippie. Perhaps the first to ever set off on that long, lamentable and blighted path. This ‘man’, this tool, this hippie, strutted and swaggered through the streets of Athens proclaiming the wrongness of traditional morals, advocating for free love and drug use; proudly showing off his humble and torn clothes. To this, Socrates had but one reply, one irrefutable truth that destroyed Aristipus’s credibility forever. Socrates made his famous statement, ‘through the holes in your clothes, I can see your vanity’. That we believe, articulately and eloquently, sums up the hippie counter culture which lurks menacingly at the peripherals of our society. Disgraced, Aristipus would go on to found hedonism, which still, even today, forms a cornerstone and entire category of the hippie movement.
The great British statesman Winston Chuchill once said, ‘we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give’. The Lapine agrees completely with this great man and as has been demonstrated, hippies ‘give’ utterly nothing; their lives are subsequently devalued proportionally. You cannot make something out of nothing (coincidently, Something Out of Nothing is also the title of a brilliant, deep and moving children’s book); even Jesus needed water. Therefore The Lapine heroically, conclusively, and victoriously, ends our offensive on hippies, spiders, and poisonous snakes.