The Onion – Breakthrough Discovery of Gut Flora Superfood

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U.S. Doctors are recommending people eat a raw Onion a day for gas-free digestion and effortless bowel movements, following the release of a 5-year study on the effects of eating the root vegetable.

“The days of burping are over.  The days of grunting on the toilet are over.  The Onion is the answer,” says a media release from Biodiversity Studies at California’s UCLA.  “This is a major finding about a food we’ve mostly used for A&W Onion rings.”

The study conducted jointly by UCLA, Gonzgaga University, and Idaho Vocational College, studied more than 2,400 males and females and discovered that consuming a minimum of 5 ounces of raw onion immediately increased digestive activity, lowered cholestrol, balanced sugar blood levels, and, with teenage study participants, totally cleared up acne problems.

“And as a bonus, your daily plop is very compact and easy to void…about the size of a BIC lighter,” said Dr. Ida Knowles, Director of Feces Studies at UCLA.   

The study’s overview says,  “Most often seen as a condiment, the Onion has been discovered to be full of amibo vitamins, probloatactic acids that help digestion, and quite amazing fungelai that really create a flora and fauna fiesta in people’s colons.”

The release of the study results is expected to lead to an increase in Onion sales and the American Farmers Of Onions and Leeks organization says their members are already moving to increase crop production to meet demand.

“The Onion is taking over.  Spanish, Red, Purple, Yellow, or the new Chinese Hybrid Onion that tastes like chicken, we’re planting ‘em all,” said South Dakota farmer Dug Fleubenhauven (pronounced “Smith”). 

And so with this breakthrough study, an old saying has come dramatically alive again with one small  change — an apple has become an onion.

“An Onion a day keeps the doctor away,” says a television public service announcement from the Physicians’ Union of California (PUC) trumpeting the research results but making no mention of the common Onion causing bad breath.

“This is beyond belief,” said weekly newspaper food critic Anna Fry, an Olive Garden franchisee in Phoenix as she bit into a Arizona All-White Onion.  “But the science behind the Onion is 100% true.  You can now believe it.”

 

Vic Issitude

Reporting for The Lapine


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