Romney In Landslide!


After leaving the country before presidential voting polls closed to “visit his money in Switzerland”, Mitt Romney and his motorcade of 21 vehicles were swept off the A1 Autobahnen in the Swiss Alps by an avalanche landslide.

“Mr. Romney, Mr. Ryan, Mr. Trump, and their entourage are unhurt,” read a statement from the Republican Party European Headquarters in Zurich (pronounced “Yur-rich”). “Rocker Ted Nugent was briefly pinned under a Mercedes limousine but Mr. Ryan was able to lift the vehicle and free him.”

Secret Service agents travelling with Mr. Romney say the former presidential candidate was uninjured but badly shaken when “classified documents were scattered from a severely damaged armored car.” Swiss rescue workers on the scene told Reuters that the Romney sons and grandchildren were running up and down the snowy highway stuffing their pockets with loose money and sheets of paper, which one EMT said were titled “IRS”.

Mr. Romney was apparently in the third decoy Mercedes that was rear-ended by a Hertz Rental VW Hybrid carrying Mr. Ryan. Both cars left the road and ended up in snow about 20 feet from where another stretch Mercedes was almost completely buried in a snow drift. Zurich news websites posted pictures of a “plumpen woman” being helped out of that vehicle through one of the 3 sunroofs. The woman was later identified as former first lady Barbara Bush.

An hour earlier, Mr. Romney had left the Credit Arschlocher Banke in Zurich trailed by reporters en route to Berne via the Great Bernard Pass where the landslide occurred.

A senior officer at the Banke who asked to remain anonymous said that Mr. Romney spent about an hour alone in his basement vault.

“Some people in America…like you reporters…don’t see this side of Herr Romney,” said the three-piece-suited gentleman. “He was very emotional being reunited with some of his money. He hasn’t been able to spend much quality time with it for months.”

Vic Issitude
Reporting for The Lapine


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