NEW YORK — In what is being called a “shocking discovery”, an international team of biologists led by the renowned Dutch geneticist Dr. Elwin Gibbons announced today that they have discovered a uniquely “American” gene.
“The effects of this gene, while not yet entirely understood, seem to quite simply make Americans the most exceptional people in the world,” Gibbons told Scientific American today.
“We think the gene makes Americans superior in…well…everything actually.”
Coined “the exceptional gene” by the press, it seems to occur in all natural-born American citizens, making them more hard-working than lazy Mexicans, better team players than the distant Chinese, more focused than the Germans, more cultured than Frenchies, and essentially just better than everybody else.
The discovery of this uniquely American gene explains the previously inexplicable rhetoric which has been confusing Non-Americans for years. Positions such as the Republican Party’s that Americans are “totally blessed to be the best” or even President Obama’s bold declaration that “on an even playing field, Americans will win every time” have often seemed childishly narcissistic and ignorantly populist to uninformed foreigners.
Now however, the rest of the world finally understands the American condition as never before. For the first time in many years, the empirical science underlying the basic assumptions of superiority and American politics at all levels makes sense.
With this discovery, the rest of the world is re-evaluating its opinions on American policy as a whole.
In the past, confused Non-Americans have often condemned many American policies and actions as making no sense at all…from deja vu military action in Iraq to the dangerous levels of financial deregulation on Wall Street to allowing fracking, the list is long.
As governments around the world scramble to understand the implications of ‘the exceptional gene’, many Americans themselves are trying to come to terms with having what they always knew confirmed by science.
And they seem to be asking themselves the tough questions: Are Rick Perry’s jingoistic vows to fight his indictment genetically caused? Is Paul Ryan’s lack of decent humanity towards non-rich people just in his American blood? Was Sarah Palin’s “exceptional gene” damaged that time she fell off while riding a wild moose?
The Lapine’s former Non-American and notably unexceptional Canadian science correspondent Jackie Wethington was unable to explain how “the exceptional gene” occurs naturally across the strikingly diverse multi ethno-cultural lines of the United States.
“You’ll have to ask an American,” said Wethington.
Reportering For The Lapine