PARIS — Politicians and supporters of the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo said today that they are amazed by all the support from around the world but cannot truly move forward until U.S. presidential candidate Mitt Romney weighs in.
“Americans are just coming to appreciate the brilliant, straight-faced satire of Mitt Romney,” said a spokesperson for Charlie Hebdo speaking to media from temporary offices.
“And right now, France and the world desperately need to hear what Mr. Romney has to say so that we know what not to do next.”
“We are satirists and we will recognize the truth hidden way, way behind his words.”
“We did not for a second, for example, take seriously his hundreds of claims that he would absolutely not run for President again for the third time. We just stood back and admired his satire from afar.”
“Beyond being a foreign affairs expert…good one…Mr. Romney has winked and run twice for American President. He has successfully pretended to support health care for everyone, fair taxes on the wealthy 1%, decreased military spending, and same-sex marriage even between men.”
“His secretly-recorded 2012 speech saying 47% of Americans are lazy and only vote Democrat because they get free stuff was priceless satire.”
“And loudly opposing off-shore tax havens…now that raised the bar for all of us.”
Romney has so far made no public comments on the attacks in Paris but in the hours following the shootings and hostage takings reportedly and in true satire form asked his election team to “find out why those Muslim types would kill this guy Charlie Hebdo.”
“Four million copies of this new edition sold…a million plus people marching for free speech here in Paris…all very, very wonderful,” said the Charlie Hebdo spokesperson.
“But we need Mitt Romney to say how he sees things.”
“Then we will know what not to do.”
Reportering for The Lapine