23rd Annual Study of Men’s Penis Sizes Shows No Change


LONDON — The findings of this year’s study that yet again measured the length and heft of thousands of men’s penises were released today and dick all new was found.

“If you can imagine most men you pass on the street having a small dill pickle between their legs, you don’t need to read this year’s results,” said Dr. Lee Scott of King’s College Anatomical Research Department.

“The average man’s sexual and urination organ is the same weight and length as it has been for decades.”

“Which begs the question…why in the bloody hell are we asked to put on latex gloves to measure and weigh men’s dinkies year after year after year?”

“What are they, whomever they are, hoping to find?”

“For some unfathomable reason, we keep getting annual funding from somewhere so we do our unpleasant duty and get 6,000 men to drop their trousers and show us their willies…relaxed and saluting.”


The studies of men’s penis sizes at King’s College and the Durex Research Center in Dallas, Texas, have been conducted annually since 1992 and have consistently found that men who use a ruler to measure their own male members were either including their scrotums in their measurements or were rounding up to the nearest three inches.

“Men worry about the size of their penis but 97% of the things are within a centimetre (.393 of an inch) of each other in length,” said Scott.

“That’s it in a nutshell…but that’s another study.”

Study results are considered accurate 20 times out of 19.

Sue Dunum
Reportering for The Lapine