90% of Sinners Plan Death-Bed Repentance


NEW YORK — Hedging their bets, most North American adults who sin a little say they plan to ask for forgiveness just before coughing up their last breath according to a study released in today’s New York Times.

“Hell scares the hell out of most people,” said Dr. Liam Thurough, Director of Social Trends at Washington Research Inc.

“So more and more people are adding ‘Repent Just In Case’ as the last to-do thing on their Kick The Bucket List.”

“Whether they believe in a boiling lake of fire and sulfur or not, it’s not worth the risk is what more and more people are thinking.”

“It’s the newest cover-your-ass strategy.”

With organized churches facing dwindling membership and declining market share, the study of 6,000 American and Canadian 18-plus adults showed that 89.7% of that group were planning on whispering a few last-minute words of confession to a friend, family member or “some sort of clerical person if one’s handy.”

48% indicated they had “jotted down a few notes” for their repentance and 36% said they were keeping a list of sins so they wouldn’t forget any.

“I’ve never been what you’d call a big-league sinner but I’m not sure how they keep score,” the study quotes one participant.


“If the piddly little sins add up I’m in deep kak so I’ll do a late-in-the-game deal just to be safe I figure.”

“I parked in a handicap stall once but I was just into 7-Eleven for like 45 seconds to grab some Cheetos…does that count?”

The study interviewed both believers and non-believers with 64% of believers indicating they had only committed “teeny tiny sins” during their lives to date, and 74% of non-believers admitting they had “done a lot of small sins” and “a few medium-sized ones for sure.” Nine out of ten in both groups reported they intended their last words to be “sorry, sorry, sorry.”

“Basically, most people are saying, “Look I lead a kind and decent life…I think some mean thoughts…some sexually raunchy things sometimes…but I never actually do them,”” said Thurough.

“So they think if no one’s getting an eye put out, I’ll do the whole safety-net repentance thing just before I shuffle off to Buffalo.”

“Sort of the reverse of leaving it to the last minute to cheat on your taxes I guess.”

Sue Dunum
Reportering for The Lapine



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