Afghanistan President “Very Sad” Burger King Pulling Out With U.S. Troops


KABUL — Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai told CNN today that he will be glad to see the khakied backsides of American troops as they begin to pull out of his country.

But says he will really miss his daily Whopper.

“The Whopper is far superior to the Big Mac in my humble opinion,” said Karzai on the heels of U.S. President Obama’s announcement earlier that all but 9,800 American soldiers will leave Afghanistan by the end of 2014.

“Yes, they both have sesame seed buns but I did not find the Big Mac Special Sauce special.”

“I am saddened by this decision of your President.”

President Obama made the policy announcement today that most of the current 33,000 U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan will return home within 7 months, ending the longest-running war in American history, a military response to the attacks of 9-11. The U.S. and coalition forces began “bombing the crap” out of Afghanistan on October 1, 2001, with then President G.W. Bush hoping to get lucky and hit Osama bin Laden.

“It is time to turn the page,” Obama said in making the withdrawal announcement.

“The President should not be turning the page for American companies like McDonalds, Burger King and Jack In The Box by forcing them to leave Afghanistan just because our troops are in retreat. That’s just not good business,” Republican House Speaker John Boehner told Fox News.

2,177 Americans were killed during the almost 13-year war in addition to 6,376 coalition soldiers and an estimated 11,000 Afghanis.

“My country will not miss American troops, tanks or those sneaky drones,” said Karzai.

“But I will very much miss Whoppers…oh, and the Jalapeno Cheese bread at Subway.”

Kareem Akil
Reportering for The Lapine



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