Alabama Woman Granted $3.4 Million Divorce Because Husband Became a Democrat

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MONTGOMERY — After 17 years of marriage, Wynette Woodall was granted an immediate divorce and awarded assets worth an estimated $3.4 million by the Alabama Supreme Court on the grounds that her now ex-husband had “abandoned the political party that is supported by God, and has taken up with them socialist Democrats.”

“At first he just started getting all goofy you know.  Talking about how us Republicans want to control America’s vaginas…I mean what does vagina actually even mean?” said Ms. Woodall on the steps of the stately George Wallace Supreme Court Building in Montgomery.

“But then he started scaring me…like really scaring me.  He said…he actually said…and I got it all on my Cheatin’ Dog Hidden Hubby Cam…that women should be able to marry women, and men should be able to marry men!!  Ewwwwww!  I was scared he’d gone fluffy on me.”

Ms. Woodall, who says she is a card-carrying Teapartier but “takes a splash of Jim Beam with the Tea”, thanked Governor Robert Bentley (R) and Chief Justice Chuck Malone (R) for praying with her prior to the 18-minute hearing.  Ms. Woodall also asked media to “send a good old shout out to Justice Thomas A. Woodall” (R) who handed down the ruling.

Alabama is known as the “Heart of Dixie” and is strongly Republican and Christian fundamentalist, with the largest church, the Southern Baptist League (SBL), having faced repeated criticism for its influence in State politics and its push to rename Mobile as God City.

Republican State Governor Robert Bentley, an evangelical leader of the SBL, has championed many of the church’s causes including voter ID laws (known as “Purity Laws”), the outlawing of “jungle monkey” sexual acts such as anal penetration, and tax relief for the construction of the 41-acre Creationist World theme park.

Ms. Woodall’s new ex-husband, Merle Hank Woodall, refused comment as he boarded a city bus after the verdict was read.

Alabama resident, NRA gun advocate, and outspoken rocker Ted Nugent (R) was in attendance and was seen by reporters taunting Mr. Woodall as he waited for the bus, repeatedly yelling at the obviously intimidated man that “My nads are bigger than your nads…na na.”

GOP officials declined to make an official comment but off the record referred to the court’s decision as “unbiased and what our Founding Fathers would expect…praise the Lord.”

 

Dave Busch

Reportering for The Lapine

 

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