Americans Still Blame Canadians for Cruz and Bieber


NEW YORK — A new USA Today poll released today shows that most Americans think Alberta is the capitol city of Canada but they also think that Canadians themselves are mostly kind of cute and harmless.

Except for Canadian-born Senator Ted Cruz and “little zit” Justin Bieber.


“Ted Cruz got by far the most comments that he has his head up his Made-in-Canada ass…sorry, rectum,” said Dale Bell, Marketing Manager for USA Today.

“But Justin Bieber was tops in references to likely having small male parts.”

“The majority of readers mentioned liking Canadian bacon but they also said Canadians should keep their ‘crazy-as-crap people’ in their own country like Americans do.”


The online readership poll of 6,400 Americans was conducted just as Cruz unveiled his new presidential candidate’s video (“God and I Will Save America From Gays and Mexicans”) and as Bieber was arrested for “hocking loogies” on paparazzi, homeless people, and adorable puppies.

“Our readers showed a fondness for Canada and Canadians but said some uninformed things like they’d know more about Canada if it only got with it and had a Facebook page,” said Bell.


“And they do bear some grudges.”

U.S.A Today posted the poll results on their site including the complete list of 48 things Americans blame Canadians for, including this partial list.

– Ted Cruz (“He’s a fuckety-fuck dumb fuck who fucking hugs himself to sleep every fucking night.”)
– Justin Bieber (“I wake up every morning thanking God I’m not Justin Bieber.”)
– Toronto Maple Leafs, Blue Jays and Raptors (“Curling—stick to curling.”)
– Blackberry (“Buy 1. Get 4 FREE!”)
– Celine Dion (“Man, loosen her panties. They’re making her screech.”)

Survey results are considered accurate 18 times out of 20, plus or minus 3% plus GST.

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine



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