That Annoying Friend Who Loves Winter Doomed to 6 Months of Decent Weather
VANCOUVER– The sweet scent of blooming tulips drifting lazily on the warm spring breeze sent thousands of Canadians who swear they love winter spiralling into a crippling depression this week, forced to watch as their beloved icy kingdom of dimness once again transforms into a sunny, comfortable hell.
As temperatures begin to rise across the country — officially marking the start of springtime finally sticking around — that friend who was always telling you to “try to enjoy the beauty” of the devastating ice storm is now being tormented by the agonizing sounds of birds chirping and children laughing outside their window, starting the painful process of what many experts refer to as “melting their cold, cold heart.”
“Enduring prolonged suffering…whether it be six months of winter, ten years of Harper, or five minutes of CBC’s Murdoch Mysteries…has always been the Canadian way,” said Brady Johansen, an admitted winter sympathizer.
Horrified that he will now be expected to inhale “warm, fresh air” on a regular basis, Johansen said that he has a “deep and simple love for the stillness and silence that winter brings once all the nation’s pesky woodland creatures finally give up their summer-long habit of clinging to life”.
“I just hate being forced outdoors into such ridiculous warm weather situations like receiving adequate amounts of vitamin D and not flirting with hypothermia,” said Sara Darvish of Gatineau, Quebec, adding, “If I have to watch one more sunset over drinks at the beach with all of my closest friends, I honestly don’t think I’m going to make it until fall.”
While those cold-hearted, snow-worshiping friends continue to brave the unrelenting pleasant weather, a new study published this week reveals that Canadian employers are also missing the icy death-grip of winter, reportedly experiencing a sharp decrease in efficiency due to such summertime scourges as “hope” and “going outside sometimes”.
Maxamillian Wallace Reportering for The Lapine