Anti-Vaxx Group Comes Down with Measles
MISSOURI CITY, TX — Eight adult members of an organization fighting against vaccinations for measles, mumps and chickenpox have broken out in oozing sores and it was confirmed today to be Rubeola, more commonly known as measles.
Spokesperson and Fox News entertainer Elisabeth Hasselbeck is among that group and is reported to have also contracted mumps.
“Diarrhea and an ugly rash are common symptoms,” Dr. William Smythe, Director of the Texas Department of Infectious Viruses, told the Missouri City News.
“These 8 people are now sitting on their toilets scratching their skin…they shouldn’t scratch though. They should apply a paste of mayonnaise and garlic powder liberally.”
The Vaccination Liberation Group (www.vaclib.org) opposes vaccinations based on a falsified 1998 study that said the inoculation serum causes autism in children. British investigators at the time found that Dr. Andrew Wakefield had taken money from “conspiracy kookers” to “wink-wink and pretend he had conducted research when in fact none was done at all.”
Wakefield is now a Mister not a Doctor as the U.K. General Medical Council ruled his research was “100% bollocks” and banned him from practicing medicine. He now runs a Dr. Who themed campground near Leeds.
“Vaccines do not cause autism or homosexuality or itchy foot fungus,” Dr. Smythe told the Los Angeles Times.
“They are safe and prevent children…or adults…from getting these viruses. Ms. McCarthy and her group need a hobby.”
Measles had been declared eliminated in North, Central and South America prior to the Anti-Vaxx movement but outbreaks are now at a 20-year high in the United States and Canada. The Vienna Boys Choir recently cancelled a planned tour of the U.S. for fear that their sopranos would be exposed to the highly-contagious virus.
“Ms. Hasselbeck has had a skin reaction to a synthetic fibre in her Lululemon yogo outfit,” a Vaccination Liberation volunteer told CNN in denying that the Fox News expert and former co-host of the TV talk-talk show The View has measles.
“Rumors that Elisabeth has measles are big fibs.”
“And I understand the other 7 members with skin irritations have had food reactions to a barbecue sauce they all ate.”
Reportering for The Lapine