Apple Watches Not in Apple Stores Today as Planned — “Nerdy Design Oversight” Blamed
CUPERTINO, CA — Millions of people with more money than brains were shocked today after Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that Apple Watches will not go on sale at Apple Stores due to a “nerdy design oversight”.
They forgot to make the Watch a watch.
As in it doesn’t tell time.
“With all the amazing bells and whistle, we kinda forgot to include a watch on the Watch,” Apple CEO Tim Cook told CNN this morning.
“Eunice down in caretaking was the first one to notice the Apple Watch doesn’t tell the time.”
“Man, that was an oooops moment I tell ya’.”
The smart-watch Apple Watch was scheduled to go on sale today after the company recently announced they had worked out all the glitches on the remote-control car starter, but the embarrassed company now says adding an actual watch will delay the launch until at least September.
Features on the Apple Watch were to include 10 sensors that take health measurements of the wearer including heart rate, blood pressure and urine acidity levels but those were scrapped when testing showed the constant monitoring meant the battery had to be recharged every 2 hours.
After a watch is added to the Watch, they are expected to retail for between $350 for the plastic model and up to $4,000 for the gold model with a 4-D hologram of Steve Jobs.
“The Apple Watch that time forgot,” product analyst Dale Liverpool called it in a Wired Magazine post.
“Who cares if you can take movie-quality videos with it if you have to ask some dude with a $19 Walmart watch what time it is?”
CEO Cook assured consumers the wait will be worth it and used the much-awaited media conference to instead announce an array of changeable straps in a variety of fashionable colors.
“You will be able to mix and match so your Apple Watch goes with any ensemble from business attire to Lululemon.”
“So you’ll be lookin’ good…and…yeah…we’ll fix it so you’ll be able to tell what time it is.”
Reportering for The Lapine