Author: The Lapine

Maple Leafs Sue Gatorade For “Watered-Down” Water

Papers filed in Manhattan District Court by Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment (MLSE) accuse PepsiCo and the NHL of combining to “keep the Leafs out of the playoffs” by altering the formulas of their sports...

Canada Pledges To Politely Assert Arctic Sovereignty

OTTAWA — In a blunt saber-rattling affair today, Government Spokesperson Miguel Carnett asserted Canada’s arctic sovereignty, stating that Canada would take whatever steps necessary to defend its arctic claims…as long as, of course, it...

CSIS’s Petition For Hollywood Blockbuster Denied

OTTAWA -CSIS, Canada’s clandestine spy agency, has been formally rejected by several notable Hollywood directors in a petition for the creation of a blockbuster about CSIS. Tom Hikes, an CSIS spokesman said that the...

United States Acquires Maple Leaf Symbol

In an expected move, the United States government finally closed their deal to acquire rights to the Canadian maple leaf. A symbol which was, in the past, a distinctly Canadian image. While still a...

PETA Activists Invited To Protest At Upcoming Hockey Game

In an attempt to increase viewership with a socially conscious message, the NHL has invited several topless PETA activists from Vancouver to protest during the Stanley Cup halftime. NHL spokesman Brian Grider, even invited...

Cellphone Call Causes Fatal Plane Crash

A Boeing passenger plane headed from New York to Houston crashed shortly after take off in a disaster that claimed the lives of the nearly four hundred passengers onboard.  According to sources within the National...