Ban on Condoms Proposed in Toronto

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TORONTO -In a testy exchange at Toronto City Council, Mayor Rob Ford tabled a by-law to ban the sales of all condoms in the Greater Toronto area.

“If this Council can pull a boner like banning plastic bags, let’s really get down and dirty and do this right,” said Ford as he put forward the motion.  “They’re both made of plastic and they both end up in back alleys.”

The motion, dubbed as “macho grandstanding” by stunned media and Council members, comes on the heels of Council’s decision to ban single-usage plastic bags.  The Mayor had been pushing for the end of a five-cent tax on plastic bags but was politically blind-sided by Council member David Shiner’s bill to totally outlaw the bags by January 2, 2013.  The motion passed 27-17, leaving the Mayor and his brother, Council member Doug Ford, fuming.

“I took a sunrise ride-along with city road crews and saw as many used sex socks as Safeway bags in the gutters,” said Ford at a Dunkin’ Donuts following the Council meeting.  “Am I serious about this?  If Council is serious about banning plastic bags, damn rights.  I’ll also be tabling legislation to ban frisbees, chewing gum, and plastic kiddie Sippy Cups.”

Condom manufacturer Durex says that most of their products are made from latex or polyisoprene (lamb’s intestine) but some are made from polyurethane, a plastic-like material.  An estimated 500,000 condoms are sold in Toronto every week, mostly by Durex and Trojan, under brand names like Kimono, Lifestyle, True North Strong, King of the Jungle, and Little Guy.

A Trojan spokesman said that “while condoms aren’t reusable, they are recyclable” and manufacturers and distributors will “stand firm against this absurd law.”  Canadian condom manufacturer Rip N Roll issued a brief statement citing the protections provided by condom usage and noting their new vitamin-infused flavour “Summer Sambuca”.

“Mayor Ford has to be joking of course,” said Dr. Harry Ford (no relation), of the Canadian Medical Association.  “Condoms prevent pregnancies and the transmission of STDs.  The thrust of Mr. Ford’s argument is aimed at plastic bags.”

Reaction to Mayor Ford’s by-law proposal was both angry and disbelieving.

“He’s a dink,” said Toronto Maple Leaf GM Brian Burke.

“If the Mayor wants to play ball, bring it on.  I mean come on…no, don’t.  I mean I didn’t mean come on…don’t come on,” said one Council member before starting to laugh nervously.

“When you think about it, they’re both sorta bags,” said the Mayor’s brother, Doug.

“WTF?  Really, WTF?  I’m a hip-hopper and when I hip hop I use a condom,” tweeted Sly A Rap Rap.

Council will vote on the proposal next week after public response presentations.  Neither the Ontario Premier’s Office nor the Prime Minister’s Office issued a comment.

“Too bad.  I like condoms,” summed up Mayor Ford with a grin, a shrug, and a wink.

Steve Boyd

Reporting For The Lapine

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