Bill C-51 Protesters “Have Bad Personal Hygiene” Warns Harper

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OTTAWA — As tens of thousands of Canadians from all walks of life join growing protests across the country against Bill C-51, Prime Minister Stephen Harper is warning “normal voters” to stay away from the rallies or risk mingling with “people who don’t shower often.”

“Look. These people don’t brush their teeth regularly. They wear the same underwear day after day. They smell really, really bad,” Harper said over his shoulder to reporters as he arrived earlier today at a fundraising brunch.

“RCMP videos clearly show that most of them have greasy hair and dirty fingernails.”

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“And the six or seven senior citizens at the illegal Bill C-51 riots look confused and have orange food stains on their shirts and blouses.”

“Ask yourself if you want to associate with people who can’t spell ‘shampoo.'”

“Protests? Pfffft. That is not the way we do things in my Canada.”

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The rallies against the anti-terrorism Bill C-51 initially started with “young activist dreamers” who “it appears can’t afford haircuts or deodorant” wrote a stodgy, middle-aged reporter at the Globe and Mail who is currently also writing a book about not being breastfed as a baby.

At first numbering in only the dozens, the protesters seemed unconcerned with how they were seen by media and said they were genuinely scared about the “24-hour-a-day spying” being granted to CSIS and the RCMP.

But the Globe and other media are now reporting that the young protesters are being joined by everyday middle-class people, hipsters, parents, grand-parents, and even couch potatoes, most of whom never thought they’d ever rally for anything unless Netflix was blocked in Canada.

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“We want our Canada back” is the new message of these more homogeneous crowds although a smattering of angry hand-written rally signs can still be spotted that colourfully read such things as “Blow Me Harper” and “We Aren’t Your Bitches Harper”.

“I don’t stink Mr. Harper. I shower every day and I want my Canada back,” said 32-year-old Toronto office worker Sean Scott who joined a protest for the first time in his life last weekend.

“And my hygiene is none of your damn business…nor are my e-mails or what I read or what pictures I post on Facebook.”

Rally organizers across the country, many of whom admit they happen to be young, say they’re “more than excited” that all kinds of people are now finding out “how effing effed up” Bill C-51 is.

“Hahaha…this is so cool. Didn’t see this one coming, did you Mr. Harper?” one 19-year-old organizer told the Montreal Gazette.

“We don’t have bad hygiene sir. We’re just young and figuring things out. And now other people are calling out your bullying ass…sorry…are calling out your bullying bum.”

“Bluntly put…we want our Canada back.”

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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