Boehner Calls Cruz a Squint-Faced, Lying Fame Whore

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WASHINGTON — House Speaker John Boehner admitted to media today that he’s “a bit unhappy” with junior Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ role in blocking the Republican bill to provide emergency funding for the child refugee crisis on the U.S.-Mexico border.

Then he let loose and told the Washington Post what he really thinks.

“Look. The guy is a prick, a moron, a walking talking ego with bad hair,” Boehner is quoted as saying on the front page of today’s Post.

“He’s got a big Big-Daddy complex and his Daddy’s a frigging nutball who sprays spit when he talks.”

“Senator Cruz is a sneak with a smarmy grin.”

“And what’s with that fake Texas drawl he turns on when he’s wearing cowboy boots? Sheeeit.”

The $650 million GOP Border Bill was pulled minutes before a Senate vote when Boehner saw that most of the Republican Senators were wearing “I Love Ted” beanie caps and realized that the bill did not have enough votes to pass.

ted cruz celebrates

“There is no bad-blood rift between honest, traditional Republican members and lunatic, upstart Tea Party blow-hards,” Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told the New York Times.

“We’re a family and what family doesn’t punch each other out every once in awhile?”

With tens of thousands of migrants from Central America, mostly children, arriving at the southern U.S. border and with the important Senate/House six-week holiday just hours away, Republicans and Tea Partiers promised not to throw things at each other as they attempted a last-ditch effort to salvage some version of the party’s Border Bill.

“Ted’s not a bad guy really,” said McConnell.

“He just marches to his own trumpet is all.”

“And he never took music lessons…self-taught I hear.”

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine
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