Boehner’s Softball Team Wins County Championship — Speaker Injured


BUTLER COUNTY, OH — Republican House Speaker John Boehner led his softball team, the West Chester Gippers, to a one-sided victory in the Butler County ‘B’ Men’s Softball Championship game today, with Boehner pitching six no-hitter innings in a 7-0 rout over a team from the Trenton homeless shelter and food bank.

Boehner (63) started the game in right field but moved to the mound after the third inning when he was unable to continue running after apparently “seriously stubbing his big toe” chasing down a fly ball.

Video footage shows Boehner backpedaling before turning to run. He can be seen losing his balance, stumbling, and then tripping to the ground. He was treated on the field by a teammate (Proctologist, Dr. Brett Edsworth) but refused to leave the game.

“Bone really shut them down today,” teammate and first baseman Scott “Scooter” Prescott told MSNBC. “He was in control.”

Despite being awarded the game MVP, Boehner was 0-4 at bat, twice going down looking at all three strikes and once slightly injuring the Trenton pitcher when his bat flew out of his hands on a wild swing and struck the elderly man in the groin.

When asked by CNN why he wasn’t in Washington trying to solve the U.S. Government shutdown, Boehner said he “just needed a break.”

“The President has my phone number and I had my iPhone in my sweats the whole game,” he said as his teammates popped champagne and began celebrating.

“Hey, nobody can say I wasn’t willing to play ball.”

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine




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