British Tabloids Say Bloody Nothing About Exciting U.S. Republican Election Win

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LONDON — Famous for big-bazoomered Page 3 girls and in-depth reporting on Prince William’s new “oozy” (pimple) on his chin, British tabloids went about their business today with no mention of the U.S. hard shift right in last night’s U.S. elections.

“Spiders Found in Queen’s Hair,” read the front page of London’s Daily Mail.

“BBC Homos Sending Secret TV Messages to Teens,” said the Sun.

“Hyde Park Squirrels on Rampage Biting Women’s Nipples,” read the Mirror.

“Black Voters Forced to Give Urine Samples to Vote…we almost went with that front page,” said the Star’s editor Eldridge Wilson.

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“But our readers aren’t all posh and sophisticated and they already know America is bonkers for all that right-wing political shite and, frankly, they don’t give a toss.”

“Now that old guy who looks like a turtle who just smoked a bammy ciggy butt…McConnell…he gets a laff from our readers now and again.”

While U.S. newspaper headlines largely reflected the political leanings of their local population (“Semi-Black Obama Eats Crow” — Charlotte Observer, North Carolina), media around the world largely ignored the American mid-term elections that saw Republicans gain control of the Senate on the strength of promises to deport President Barack Obama, put patriotic boots on the ground in Iraq, close the U.S. borders to anyone who has even thought of going to Ebola-infested Africa, and give much-needed tax relief to wealthy Americans.

“Now if Obama and McConnell had sissy-slapped each other…like yanking at each other’s hair and whatnot…that would be news in London,” said Wilson.

“Or if the Republicans had leaked pictures of Hillary Clinton squatting for a quick piddle behind a 7-Eleven…”

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine

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