Canada Pledges To Politely Assert Arctic Sovereignty


OTTAWA — In a blunt saber-rattling affair today, Government Spokesperson Miguel Carnett asserted Canada’s arctic sovereignty, stating that Canada would take whatever steps necessary to defend its arctic claims…as long as, of course, it was ‘totally ok’ with Russia.

“After all we want to stress our legitimate claims but at the same time this must be balanced by other factors. For instance we don’t want to step on any toes or hurt any feelings. That would be the last thing we would want to do,” Carnett told CBC.

To help defend its newfound claims, Canada had begun commissioning several new military icebreakers to ply the arctic waters. The project was previously scrapped when Russia raised concerns that the unarmed vessels could possibly, in a future hypothetical war, hinder Russian troop movements across the contested arctic region.

Artur Chilingaroy, a Russian politician and polar explorer who bravely took a submarine and planted a Russian flag on the ocean floor directly under the North Pole in 2013, condemned Canada’s arctic posture as ‘still too threatening’. The accusation quite naturally prompted an immediate Canadian “sorry”.


Both Denmark and Norway, also jostling for arctic claims, demanded further Canadian apologies and concessions, again quickly leading to the same Chamberlainish response.

In an effort to secure more leverage, though still deathly afraid of hurting any feelings, the Canadian government has looked to its fifth rival in claiming the arctic for help…The United States.

Yet despite one hundred years of bitter experience, from salmon stocks to softwood lumber, the Canadian government is once again coming to the realization that it is a very one-way relationship that it has with its southern neighbor. Yet what some Canadian nationalists may see as a failed arctic claims attempt and disappointing foreign policy, is seen by many others as the ‘truly Canadian safe-ground way’.

“Say what you want about our foreign policy, but we sure are polite and are sensitive to other country’s feelings…and that is a victory in itself,” apologized Carnett.


Carl Welsenrey
Reportering for The Lapine




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