Canadian Exceptionalism Gene Discovered — “Sorry”
MONTREAL — Genetic researchers at McGill University today quietly released the results of a 7-year genome sequencing study that proves the existence of a DNA strand unique to Canadians.
“This explains why Canadians watch curling,” an excited Dr. Celine Lalonde, Head of Genetic Studies, told the Montreal Gazette.
“And love cheese…and apologize if someone bumps into us…and have sex more often than Americans.”
“Canadians are humble but, darn it, this Canadianism gene explains a lot and gives us a ton to brag about…if that’s okay.”
“I hope you didn’t have any trouble finding parking by the way.”
The breakthrough discovery comes less than 2 years after U.S. scientists bought TV ads during the 2013 Super Bowl to announce to the world that they had proven the existence of the American Exceptionalism Gene (AEG: Trademark Pending) cited as proving U.S. citizens are better than everyone else at everything.
“Canadians and Americans have a lot in common but this discovery proves there are actually huge differences,” said Lalonde.
“The Canadianism and Americanism genes explain why Americans are generally aggressive and very competitive, while Canadians are more likely to be quiet, have really twisted senses of humour, and apologize after punching the hell…heck…out of American hockey players.”
“Canadians are complicated…on the one hand they don’t litter and they floss their teeth more often than any other nationality.”
“But on the other hand they buy beer in big boxes with reinforced handles, smoke a fair bit of pot, and are more computer literate than even South Koreans.”
“And Canadians are far less likely to say “eh” than people in Seattle or New York by the way.”
Lalonde said her research has so far been unable to explain anomalies such as Stephen Harper, Ted Cruz, and Justin Bieber.
Reportering for The Lapine