Canadian Reporters Have No Idea What Visiting Australian PM is Saying


OTTAWA — Canadian reporters looking to clarify Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s recent comments that climate change science is “bodgy” were left madly Googling to try and make sense of the visiting leader’s comments.

“I’m rapt as a dummy roll to be in Canada and have a chin wag with Prime Minister Harper,” Abbott said today to confused reporters.

“He’s a bastard,” Abbott added, which CBC later clarified is an Australian compliment.

Abbott had declined media interviews after giving a speech to oil industry executives last night where it’s thought that maybe he attacked climate change and environmentalists. But journalists mostly were unsure how to translate Abbott’s speech with the Toronto Star running a bold front-page headline that read, “What Did He Say?”

“I know I’m going to be as popular as a Polly Waffle in a public pool for saying this,” Abbott is quoted as saying in his speech to the crowd of 800.

“But all these global warming yobbos are a few stubbies short of a six-pack.”

“Their message is a dog’s breakfast.”

London-born Abbott was elected as Australia’s Prime Minister in 2013 largely on a far-right platform of loosening environmental protection laws and using the Royal Australian Navy to force boatloads of asylum seekers to turn around and go back to wherever they came from.

Following his official visit to Canada, Abbott is scheduled to travel to Washington for meetings with Republican House Speaker John Boehner and President Barack Obama.

“I’m sure I’ll get an earbash from the President,” Abbott told Ottawa reporters.

“But Obama yabbering will be about as useful as an arsehole on your elbow. Am I right?”

The Australian Prime Minster told CBC that he feels right at home in Canada and wishes he had more time to explore the capitol City of Ottawa.

“I may just chuck a sickie and have a wiggle around,” Abbott said after he and Mr. Harper finished the ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new oil upgrading plant just outside the city.

“Get some fresh air for my hairy onions.”

Reporters continue to work on translations.

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine



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