Canadian Troops Will Just Be Making Bag Lunches for Ukrainian Troops — No Combat Says Harper

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Harper-Hiding-Face-SizedOTTAWA — Prime Minister Stephen Harper moved today to quell growing accusations that he is talking “utter bullcrap” to Canadians about the role of 200 elite soldiers going to the conflict in Ukraine.

Harper repeated earlier claims that the Canadian Special Operations Forces will be nowhere near frontline fighting and clarified today that they will be limited to preparing nutritious bagged lunches that meet Canada Food Guide recommendations.

And teaching yoga and relaxation classes to stressed-out Ukrainian nuns if requested by Kiev, according to Harper.

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“Cub Scout’s honour…our brave men and women will mostly be in the kitchen making sandwiches and small tossed salads,” Harper told media.

“Canadian soldiers will not be involved in any fighting. They will be using cheese graters and butter knives, not automatic rifles and night goggles.”

“This is a two-year military support mission and there is no foreseen mission creep foreseen barring unforeseen circumstances which we cannot foresee at this time.”

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Harper and Defence Minister Jason Kenney came under harsh criticism after a Canadian soldier was killed in March while returning from the front lines of the battle against ISIS, despite repeated promises by the Conservatives that not a single Canadian troop was actually on the ground in Iraq.

“Well isn’t that a crock of crap,” NDP leader Thomas Mulcair commented gruffly to the Ottawa Citizen when told of Harper’s kitchen-duty claims.

“Does anybody believe Harper that we’re sending our crack troops to Ukraine to cut the crusts off Wonderbread sandwiches?”

“Or teach yoga to Orthodox nuns?”

“I think Harper’s been eating Elmer’s Paste again.”

Lee Whey
Reportering for The Lapine

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