Canadians Outraged as Harper Approves Chinese Takeover of Tim Hortons


In an announcement that caught Canadians totally by surprise, the federal Conservative caucus has given approval to CFFFO (Chinese Fast Fast Food Organization) to purchase Tim Hortons Inc. for a reported $4.2 billion.

Citing the net benefit to Canada of new menu items, the Harper government approved the takeover by the Chinese government-owned agency at the same time backroom debates take place about the proposed $15.1 purchase of oil company Nexen by CNOOC (Chinese National Oily Oil Cooperative).

Both the Tim Hortons and Nexen takeover bids were at an identical 61% premium over stock trading prices on the TSX but social media reaction has been much swifter and harsher to the gobbling up of Tim Hortons.

“Harper should get some Tim Bits,” read one angry Twitter posting among thousands that hit when word started getting out about the takeover of the iconic Canadian coffee, donut and fast food chain that has 4,200 locations and 63% of the country’s restaurant coffee sales versus nearest competitor Starbucks’ with 8%.

The Globe and Mail reports that incoming New Esteemed Leader of the Chinese Communist Pary, Xi Jinping (pronounced Wooooo Wooo), won a 50″ LED TV on a Roll Up The Rim cup served to him during a visit last year to a Tim Hortons in Shanghai, and then instructed his Comrades In Acquisitions Committee to pursue the company.

Jinping was recently frustrated in his attempt to buy the privately-owned IKEA chain when the Swedish Government refused to approve his 61% premium offer to founder Ingvar Kamprad (pronounced Fleuven Kerplumpkin). The Globe reports this offer was made after the Chinese leader was excited to have successfully assembled an Almostvood Bookshelf.


“Prime Minister Hyper has had too many double doubles,” said agitated federal Liberal leadership candidate Justin Trudeau. “This is bigger than that oil and gas sellout thing. This is Le Tim F****** Hortons.”

As outlined in the translation of a media release issued by CFFFO, the head office of the previously Canadian public company will remain in Ontario and “traditional favourites of the people” will continue to be served. New menu items announced include Dung Po Po Pork, King Pao Pao Chicken, Jiaozi (pronounced Wooooii), Gaa (pronounced Woo), and a popular Hong Kong breakfast meal, Dim Sum On A Fun Portable Bun.

The Prime Minister’s Office refused comment but controversial MP Rob Anders said he hopes “Timmy’s new owners” will now ban gays and “gender changers” from ever using the washrooms.

“Man I hope those commies keep the new chicken panini,” weighed in Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, a self-avowed big fan of Tim Hortons. “Those things have chunks of white meat the size of my baby toes. Love ’em.”

Vic Issitude
Reporting for The Lapine



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