Category: World

Putin on Tinder — Swipes Right for Peace in Ukraine

WASHINGTON — For months, tense negotiations seeking peace in Ukraine have been tied to helping post-divorce Russian President Vladimir Putin lift the crippling western sanction off his own flaccid penis. That big issue has...

Vending Machines Outdo Islamic Terrorists

Since 2002, Al-Qaeda has struggled to kill more decadent westerners than vending machines. Some rare years they win but usually they fail. The Lapine’s intrepid reporters managed to sit down with a leading Al-Qaeda member whose...

New Facebook Feature Lets Dead People Keep Posting

MENLO PARK, CA — Dying no longer has to mean that friends and strangers will stop getting your fascinating cat pictures or shared petitions to end elephant poaching. Because Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced...

Nuns Getting Pregnant Under Pope Francis

VATICAN CITY — The news that an Italian nun gave birth last week and does not know how she got pregnant has prompted senior Vatican officials to speak publicly for the first time about...

India PM Modi Very Concerned Over NFL “Squishy Balls”

NEW DELHI — High-level talks on nuclear agreements and increasing bi-lateral trade were set aside today after India’s Prime Minister pressed President Obama for action on the New England Patriots’ soft balls. “The people...