Congress Redefines Unemployment To Solve Economic Crisis


In response to what had been a growing unemployment crisis, Congress has passed a bill to set the United States back on track. The new bill has changed legal definition of employed to either ‘working or would like to work’. This remarkably successful initiative has already reduced unemployment from its high of nine percent to a new low of less than one percent. Stocks  have already rallied in response to the rapidly improving situation with the Nasdaq gaining an unprecedented hundred and thirty points in a single day. Global markets have also responded positively at the stabilizing situation of the American economy. Referring to the new bipartisan unemployment-defining bill, Barack Obama praised the efforts of the ‘historic Congress’ and declared that things have never looked better. Mitt Romney the Republican contender to the presidency, dropped out of the race prematurely as the last of his support fell away with the improving economic situation.

While some, including The President himself have hailed the bill as ‘historic,’ it does build on important past precedents. To fix the large number of collateral civilian casualties resulting from indiscriminate drone strikes in northern Pakistan, the military establishment simply changed the definition of militant to include all civilians of military age.

Furthermore, even before that, Congress, in an effort to make school meals healthier, heroically passed a bill classifying pizza as a ‘vegetable’, making school lunches healthier with the stroke of a pen.

Sometimes it is easy to lose faith in our political representatives and in the system in which they work. Yet The Lapine reminds all of our readers to not get too weighed down in logical reasoning as it is important to remember the illusionary triumphs too.

Carl Welsenrey

Reporting For The Lapine



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