Conservatives Launch Attack Ads at Astronaut Chris Hadfield — “He Didn’t Come Back to Earth for You”
OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada (CPC) launched a series of attack ads today against newly-minted celebrity astronaut Chris Hadfield, largely based on rumours that he might run for the Liberals.
The TV and social media ads take direct issue with Hadfield’s time spent outside of Canada, with the campaign headlined by the theme that the commander “Didn’t Come Back to Earth for You.”
Following a 21-year career mostly in the United States, Cmdr. Hadfield recently announced his retirement and moved back to Canada.
Although disavowing any interest whatsoever in running for political office, this hasn’t prevented the CPC from launching their freshest attempt at character assassination through attack ads.
Speaking to reporters outside the West Block in Ottawa, CPC Chief Spokesperson Fred DeLorey explained it thusly: “Canadians didn’t like it when Michael Ignatieff didn’t come back for them. Why would they appreciate that the so-called ‘commander’ [he made air quotes with his hands as he said the word] has moved back to Canada?”
When questioned on the anticipated outcome of the campaign, DeLorey replied: “If the furthest Mr. Ignatieff went before not coming home for you was Europe, don’t you think it will upset Canadians that Mr. Hadfield left the planet to get as far away from Canada as possible?”
Cmdr. Hadfield has lived in Houston, Texas since the 1980’s and has spent nearly six months in space on three separate missions, most recently as the first Canadian Commander of the International Space Station.
Senior Conservative fund-raisers deny the attack ads have anything to do with Hadfield’s recently published book (An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth) that is dramatically outselling Harper’s also recently published book (A Great Game: The Forgotten Leafs and the Rise of Professional Hooky), which was recently discounted at Walmart, Chapters Indigo, London Drugs, Amazon.com and Esso’s On-The-Run Convenience Stores.
When reached for comment on the impending attack campaign, Cmdr. Hadfield released a short sardonic statement to Prime Minister Harper via Twitter: “This is Ground Control to Major Steve. Commencing bird-flips, guess we’re on.”
Reportering for The Lapine