Consumers Demanding Happier Cows, Pigs, Chickens to Eat

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CALGARY, OTTAWA, WASHINGTON – Food shoppers and diners across North America are suddenly saying ‘No’ to chowing down on meat from miserable animals.

And this rapidly growing social media movement is forcing restaurants and food stores to provide “Certified Cheerful” products almost overnight.

“I want my sausage to came from the haunch of a happy hog,” read one submission to giant food store chain Co-op that just made front page news in Canada by announcing a total ban on meat from angry or sad animals.

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The new “Certified Cheerful” meat, poultry, eggs, and dairy products will be labelled with brilliant yellow happy-face stickers on menus and packaging in all participating stores and restaurants said a media release from Co-Op in taking the national lead on the global program.

Rigid guidelines will ensure Certified Cheerful (CC) chicken comes from birds raised in spacious split-level battery cages, CC pork comes from pigs raised in carpeted, family-friendly breeder pens, CC beef comes from cows dining at smorgasbord feeder lots during their last days, and no CC meat comes from any animal not treated humanely.

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Co-Op said it was working with suppliers to provide its customers with the meat from animals that “had a few laughs” during their lives.

“Nobody wants to think that their pork chop never got to romp free in a grassy field,” said American Meat spokesperson Debbie Karma.

“And I know I feel terrible eating a chicken wing that always thought it could fly but never got to try.”

The movement towards the better treatment of meat before it’s killed has forced McDonalds and Burger King to quickly source new suppliers of beef, pork and other unnamed meats to meet the new quality-of-life standards for their once-living ingredients.

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“Our pigs now go to slaughter with grins on their faces, a lot of good-natured ribbing going on among them in the stun line,” said Dick Waters, Regional General Manager for McDonald’s meat supplier Cargill. “I agree with consumers. I want to feel like my meat is smiling and winking up at me.”

As the new smiling Certified Cheerful stickers appear on the first few meat and poultry products across North America including newly-named Ground Chuckle, and Ha-Ha Ham Joints, consumer reaction is mixed.

“Feeling blessed eating joyful flank steak #happymeat,” tweeted @bffwithmothermary.

@linedancingdave disagreed, tweeting, “r u fuckn kidding me?? I’ll be paying more $$ so my bacon had enough room to do pilates?”

Dan Stockton
Reportering for The Lapine

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