Corporate Suffrage to be Introduced in New Bill

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In a move that aims to boost corporate influence and ratchet up de facto support for corporate personhood, the Harper Government has tabled legislation that would allot voting rights to corporations. Bill C-8687, to be introduced next week, will grant suffrage to companies who have filed as General Corporations (GC), Limited Liability Corporations (LLC), or Unlimited Liability Corporations (ULC). The number of votes any company will receive is based upon the size of their staff.

According to Dean Del Maestro, “critics are wont to position us Conservatives as being focused solely on the bottom line, but this caveat to Corporate Suffrage shows just the opposite, that it is the job creators—and, thus, the working public—who will benefit.” As detailed in the bill, each full-time staff member will represent 3/5th of a regular vote. Taken cumulatively, respective company boards will then be able to exercise the franchise in upcoming Federal elections. Employees will not lose their right to vote independently of their 3/5th support granted to their company.

Foreign Support

It has been discovered through bribing officials responsible for Access to Information requests that the US Chamber of Commerce, the Koch Brothers and Donald Trump have donated significant sums of money, through various dummy corporations, to help sway Canadian public opinion in favour of the upcoming changes. Bill C-8687 is seen as a test case on a similar bill being contemplated by House Republicans.
When asked for comment on this foreign influence with respect to the Harper Government’s previous antipathy to supposed foreign interference in environmental matters, Mr. Del Maestro sneered, “If venerable institutions such as The Donald wish to send their money northwards for an invaluable, growth sustaining cause, who are we to stop them?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

The move comes on the heels a series of seemingly unhinged comments by Conservative lawmakers and Harper Apparatchiks over the past month. In a January 4 , 2013 letter to Postmedia News, Environmental Minister and Montgomery Burns impersonator Peter Kent lashed out at Postmedia reporter Mike DeSouza, labeling him an environmental activist and accusing him of being an NDP shill. Not to be outdone, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has recently attacked outgoing Parliamentary Budget Officer Kevin Page on Global Tv’s The West Block, claiming the government watchdog was “wandering off” from his mandate. Mr. Page’s job is to oversee government spending and to ensure that the government’s budget reports are accurate.

When reached for comment, The Lapine’s Harper Government expert and finger-painting auteur, foul-mouthed 5th grader Spencer Pullman, responded, “Are you fucking kidding me? A push Corporate Suffrage, after those batshit crazy outbursts? Goddammt, these guys really are douchebags.” When asked for clarifications on his comments, young Pullman grabbed the brown paint and threw it against the wall, claiming, “it’s shit, it’s all shit.”

Todd Fanter
Reporting For The Lapine

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