Detroit Tells Poor to Eat Dandelions

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faceDETROIT, MI — After cutting off water to 151,000 low-income or no-income residents who are more than $150 behind in payments, Detroit’s Emergency Manager offered a money-saving tip today.

Detroit’s poor can save money on their grocery bills by eating dandelions that grow wild on city property and between cracks on city sidewalks.

“Free health food. Right there for the pickin’,” Kevyn Orr told the Chicago Tribune today.

“Sauteed in olive oil with crushed garlic and a drizzle of red wine vinegar, mmmmm.”

“Or you can just yank ’em up by the root and chew em’ raw of course.”

“But best of all, what these people save on not buying food they can put towards paying their water bills and getting their taps turned back on.”

With an unemployment rate of 17% compared to the national rate of 7%, Detroit’s economic struggles have been decades in the making but financial indicators show that the situation is much worse since the city declared bankruptcy in July, 2013. Republican Governor Rick Snyder appointed Orr as Emergency Manager of the city just prior to insolvency but his attempts to sell the international airport, Institute of Arts and all public schools have had no takers.

“Eating dandelions will help these people with their obesity, chronic diarrhea, kidney stones and even waxy scalp build-up,” said Orr.

“Plus they’d be keeping Detroit’s parks beautiful.”

A petition appealing to the United Nations to intervene and turn the water back on now has more than 200,000 signatures but organizers say they will delay forwarding the document while they consider adding an appeal to not have to eat weeds.

“Water is a basic, basic human right,” said Adele Peters of Occupy Detroit.

“You can’t keep watering the greens at the Detroit Golf & Pony Polo Club while people go thirsty.”

“And you sure as hell can’t tell them to get down on all fours and graze for their suppers.”

The Detroit Water and Sewage Department told MSNBC that they were “extremely reluctant to refuse water even to bill dodgers” but said the city “owes it to upstanding paying customers to collect from non-payers sucking the system dry.” The Department also said they support the proposed #DineOnDandelions initiative.

“Most people don’t realize you can eat the whole dandelion…roots and all,” Orr explained.

“The flowers and roots are excellent for treating liver disease these people will be glad to hear.”

“And dandelions out-bran Raisin Bran for fiber…roughage is important for everyone.”

“Good eats.”

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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