Developing: CSIS Agents Detain Canadian Director

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TORONTO – Canada’s top spy agency released details today indicating that CSIS agents, practising new powers of detention proposed in Bill C-51, have detained acclaimed Canadian horror director David Cronenberg.

The controversial Anti-terrorism Act (Bill C-51) seeks to empower CSIS with new powers to “take measures, within or outside Canada, to reduce threats”, including sweeping new powers of detention, without requiring a warrant or RCMP involvement. The bill would also criminalize advocacy of terror activities.

Another issue, opponents argue, is the lack of a clear definition of terror in the bill. Justice Minister Peter MacKay recently dismissed such concerns, stating, “It’s in the dictionary. Look it up.”
Merriam-Webster defines terrorism as “the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion.”
Cronenberg’s recent Twitter campaign promoting the new Criterion Collection re-release of 1981’s Scanners, could “absolutely” be interpreted as promoting terror, CSIS argues:
“Criterion’s website describes the film as ‘phenomenally gruesome and provocative’. Cronenberg’s tweets unambiguously promote a violent film, in the hopes of coercing the public to embrace the group’s [Criterion’s] nefarious goals. In this case, higher Blue-ray sales”.

A spokesperson for Cronenberg says the accusation that the Canadian “Bard of Blood” actively promotes terror is “highly exaggerated,” stating that Cronenberg should be judged by his full body of work. “His films are actually better known for causing a pervasive yet ineffable sense of low-level trepidation and ennui.”

Sources speculate that Cronenberg is currently held in an unnamed “black site” near Mississauga.

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Cronenberg at the 2012 Genie Awards

CSIS director Michel Coulombe defended the detention of Cronenberg, despite the fact that Bill C-51 has not yet passed into law. “We didn’t see any need to wait for the actual passage of the law. The intentions behind the bill are clear, and just reinforce what we already know: CSIS should have ultimate freedom to determine the ‘who, what, where, when and why‘ of investigating and detaining Canadians. The Bill doesn’t include any provisions for oversight of our current or future powers, anyway”.

News of the detention of Cronenberg has sent chills down the spine of the international horror industry. Wes Craven has cancelled a planned appearance at the Fredericton Film Festival this summer. Stephen King, who never ventures far from his luxurious hovel near Bangor, Maine, has hired a 20-person legal team to draft a document differentiating between terror and horror.

ECONOMIC OR FINANCIAL STABILITY

The bill is not limited to targeting communications promoting the activities of known terror groups, such as ISIS or Boko Haram, but also allows CSIS to investigate and interfere with the activities of groups that “may” be planning to interfere with the “economic or financial stability of Canada”.

Environmental groups fear the Government will pressure CSIS to interfere with their activities if they oppose pipeline projects. In response to these claims, CSIS director Michel Coulombe assures Canadians:

“Have no fear, these new investigative and responsive powers allotted to our agency are both broad and far-reaching. CSIS is a proud and powerful agency that won’t be used as a political tool. We’ll investigate anyone. Scratch that. Everyone.”

“We’re not just going to go after ISIS, Cronenberg, Neil Young, and the average Canadian.”

CSIS DIRECTOR “OVER THE MOON”

“We’re excited. We’re going to retroactively investigate Canada’s top banks for their role in precipitating the 2008 sub-prime mortgage crisis. We plan to disable their social media accounts for promoting groups that are known to have interfered with the ‘economic and financial stability of Canada’.”

“As you can see, we are over the moon about the wide range of possibilities. We will investigate groups with a fanatical hatred of pipelines, AND those groups with a single-minded dedication to the sucking of sandy petrosludge from Mammon’s oily teat.”

[ Editors note: It can be assumed that “Mammon’s oily teat” is a veiled reference to Fort McMurray, AB. ]

ENJOYING THE EXPERIENCE

While Cronenberg’s lawyers haven’t been updated on the director’s condition or location, sources familiar with the director suggest he’s probably deeply enjoying the experience, and eager to incorporate aspects of his Orwellianesque [Kafkawellian? -editor] indefinite confinement into his next project.

Brian Pile from www.bigflamingpile.com
Reportering For The Lapine

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