Duck Dynasty Introduces Line of Men’s Hair Care Products for Non-Atheist Men Who Also Aren’t Gay

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WEST MONROE, LA — The stars of hit reality series Duck Dynasty today launched a complete line of fine hair care products for non-atheist men who aren’t gay, just days after announcing their new lineup of semi-automatic weapons.

“Split ends are a bugger,” said patriarch Phil Robertson, star of the A&E series, at a media conference to launch the men’s grooming aids.

“A guy wants body and manageability any time he might be around the young ladies. Most guys won’t admit it but look around…they need hair help.”

Removing his trademark camouflage bandana for reporters, the 67-year old shook his headful of shoulder-length hair wildly and mussed up his foot-long beard with his hands. Then, grinning for the cameras, he ran his fingers through his hair and beard.

“Don’t even need a comb with our new hair product. You’re ready to go in nothing flat.”

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The line of Duck Dynasty Shampoo, Conditioner and Beard Sculpting Gel go on sale this week at Walmart, Target and all gun outlets that carry the new Duck Dynasty shotguns, semi-automatic rifles, high-capacity clips, or the slim-line semi-automatic pistol.

“It’s not a sin to want to look your best,” said Phil’s eldest son Jase (44). “Whether you’re jigging crayfish in Alabama or jiggering a hedge fund in New York City, the girls notice a fine head of hair.”

Duck Dynasty is the most popular show in A&E’s history, drawing audiences that top the Super Bowl and Honey Boo Boo combined. The reality show follows the Robertson’s Louisana-based, family-run, duck-call making business, Duck Commander, and touches on topics ranging from patriotism to religion.

Recent controversy over Phil’s comments on homosexuality, African Americans, Muslims, Jews, atheists, Asians, young girls, bestiality, abortion, and the handicapped resulted in A&E temporarily suspending him from the show. Ratings have more than tripled during the controversy.

“The Bible says clearly that being all fussy about your hair can go to your head,” said Phil, as he did a product demonstration for media by massaging in Duck Dynasty Beard Sculpting Gel to the long white beard of his brother Si (65).

“Ecclesiastes 2:11 says ‘All is vanity when the hair on your head is loose to stream after the wind or mudded as flat as the ground you stride upon’…that’s pretty darned good advice about dry or greasy hair as best I can tell.”

“Even a guy who’s plain as a plank can catch a girl’s eye with good grooming,” Phil told FOX News following the launch announcement.

“Read the Bible, fellas. God gives some pretty smart tips about how to care for your hair.”

Sue Dunum
Reportering for The Lapine

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