Duck Tape Announces Largest Single Order in Company History — United Airlines


AVON, OH — Shares in ShurTech Brands are expected to jump following the company’s announcement today of a massive order of gold, white and blue Duck Tape by United Airlines.

“Our biggest single order before this one from United was for 36,000 rolls of wrought-iron gray tape last summer for the Eiffel Tower,” ShurTech Production Manager Ken Danson told USA Today in making the announcement.

“And now Duck Tape’s gonna fly the friendly skies…well, we don’t know if our tape’s actually going to like fly. Maybe it’s going to be used for something that stays on the ground…but wooooo what a great day!”

The customized-color order for 104,000 rolls of “Cloud White”, 73,000 rolls of “Clear Skies Blue”, and 30,000 rolls of “Waving Wheat Gold” extra-adhesive duct tape was confirmed by United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek, and will be delivered to the airline’s maintenance and repair hub just outside San Francisco.

“We have multiple uses for duct tape in our corporate colors,” Smisek told media in Chicago where the airline is headquartered.

“For customer promotions for example. Or adding a splash of gold, white and blue to company cars.”

United currently has the fifth oldest fleet of jets in the world (average 13.7 years) according to Bloomberg and is near the top of U.S. airlines in passenger complaints at 4.24 per 100,000 passengers compared to an industry average of 1.43.

Duck Tape is a brand name for duct tape, a cloth-backed, pressure-sensitive tape coated with polyethylene.

“Oh yeah. Duct tape? Or Duck tape? One of the great American debates,” laughed Jim Berg, co-author of a best selling book on the “millions of uses” for WD-40 and duct tape.

“But whatever you call it, it’s fixed Amtrak trains and been used as a bandaid for scraped knees on little kiddies. A guy in Montana made a canoe out of duct tape…damn near drowned of course.”

“Hell, there’s a dozen rolls of duct tape on the International Space Station at all times.”

Dan LeHomme
Reportering for The Lapine



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