Elizabeth May Of Canadas Green Party Steps Down

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VICTORIA -Following an ‘absolutely disastrous druidic ritual’ and ‘ominous astrological omens’, Elizabeth May has resigned, stepping down as the leader of Canada’s Green Party. This stunning announcement came as no surprise for many devoted ‘Greens’ who have been carefully following her political career. In the words of the prominent astrologist and self proclaimed scholar Liam Henderson “to those of us who follow the stories which the stars tell, this is but the final culmination of an epic tale…. It was foretold”.

Indeed, Elizabeth May did cite ‘ominous astrological portents’ as one of her key reasons for stepping down.

Sources close to the former leader of the Green Party, say that there is more behind this developing story than simple astrological portents. According to said sources, a disastrous druidic ritual precided over by none other than Elizabeth May has contributed to her resignation. According to one neo-pagan druid who claimed to have been at the aforementioned rite. “The earth mother [Elizabeth May] brought forth the live offering to the carved table of sacrifice. Yet the sacrificial goat struggled and fought the whole way in what is a bad omen. And when the earth mother herself plunged the sacred knife into the goats flesh and withdrew its dripping heart, the heart was black. A terrible omen indeed. She has lost the favor of the natural spirits to which we sacrifice”.

Elizabeth May has strongly denied preciding over the ritual sacrifice of any livestock what so ever, and has claimed that these condemnations are nothing more than desperate attempts to attack and defame her.

“I am stepping down purely due to the unfavorable alignment of the stars, which bode badly to my continuing political career. The claims that some hypothetical druidic ritual had something to do with this, or that I slaughtered a young goat on a ancient sacrificial alter with an etched obsidian knife and read the future from the bulging veins of its still beating heart, are absolutely false. I have not participated in any of these holy rituals, nor, by the great dark lord Gamesh, do I ever intend to.” Is how she publically defended herself to The Lapine.

Whether the druidic ritual did ever take place or not, one thing is certainly assured. The resignation of the leader of the Green Party is sure to possibly, maybe, shake the political landscape of Canada. How this will affect the Green Party’s one entire seat in Parliament and neo-paganism as a whole remains to be seen. The one thing, luckily, that we can all be sure of, is that The Lapine will be on this story as long as it is relevant to everyday working class Canadians.

Brian Smith

The Lapine’s Senior Political Analyst

 

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