Farmer’s Almanac Forecasts “Really Effed-Up Weather” This Coming Winter

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SnowstormsFloodingLEWISTON, MAINE — Blizzards in Miami.  Rain storms in Montreal.  Heat waves in Fargo, North Dakota.  Monsoons in Boston.

The venerable Farmer’s Almanac is warning North Americans to stock up on long johns in some areas and dig out their speedos in others as extreme and freakish weather is forecast for this entire winter.

“We’re telling people to stay in their basements for the entire winter if they can,” Farmer’s Almanac Meteorologist and Editor Peter Geiger told the New York Times today.

“We’ve just issued a Weather Warning for everywhere starting on Halloween.”

“It’s going to be snot-freezing cold in Houston. And pasty-white people should move out of Toronto for the winter…it’s gonna fry.”

The Farmer’s Almanac has been making long-range weather predictions and providing tips on how to keep slugs off lettuce plants since 1818. Seen as a quaint publication by many, the Almanac has a more accurate forecasting record than the U.S. Weather Bureau or NBC’s Al Roker.

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For 42 years, the Almanac has correctly predicted that Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow, Geiger proudly told the Times.

“A lot of people say climate change is as big a lie as Big Macs being all beef, but it’s real, it’s extreme, and it’s not going to play nicey nice,” said Geiger.

“Man, pumping out hundreds of thousands of tons of carbon dioxide every year is about to bite us in our freezing asses…or hot, sweaty asses in some parts of the eastern seaboard as far north as Newfoundland.”

“Climate change deniers are going to get their frozen or sunburnt noses rubbed in it this winter I tell ya.”

“Stock up on water, canned goods and beef jerky. It’s going to be a wack-a-mole winter.”

Sue Dunum
Reportering for The Lapine

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