FBI Cuts Netflix Service to Oregon Bird Sanctuary Militia
BURNS, OREGON — The FBI announced today that it has taken aggressive action to ‘make things a whole lot less comfortable’ for the estimated 150 plus armed militants occupying a national bird sanctuary.
By shutting down their Netflix account.
“No more cuddling up for nights of Netflix and Chill for these guys,” FBI tactical planning director Frank Dowder told CNN this morning in announcing the action.The move to stop the militia members from watching ‘Making a Murderer’ and other Netflix shows comes as pressure is rapidly growing for the agency to “fucking do something” about the now weeks-old occupation of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge.
“Yes, these gentlemen and gentlewomen can still drive into town to get snacks,” said Dowder.
“But, no, they can no longer watch Netflix…and we’re seriously considering maybe slowing down their Twitter feeds next if this doesn’t roust the buggers out. And that’s not just an idle threat.”An angry Oregon Governor Kate Brown said this afternoon that the FBI’s Netflix move is “nothing more than a squeaky little fart in a wind storm” and told reporters she had called agency Director James Comey “to suggest he take both his thumbs out of his Washington ass and do something”.
“What the hell? These guys are occupying public land. They’re heavily armed. They’re ploughing up land for new roads, tearing down fences, posting selfies with native artifacts…and the FBI swings into action by not letting them watch movies?” said Brown.“I may just let the bird watchers run these a-holes out of there if the FBI doesn’t do something soon.”
Militia vice-president of human resources Ryan Bundy (43) was unaware that he and his followers had been cut off from Netflix when reporters caught up with him getting a haircut this morning at Ron’s Barber Shop in downtown Burns (population 2,700).“Hahahawoo! You’re kidding me, right?” said Bundy.
“Oh man, I’ve gotta text that one out to the boys!”
Reportering for The Lapine