FIFA Replaces Executive Committee with Canadian Senators


An embattled FIFA has put forward a bold new proposal as part of a plan for reforming the organization. Speaking at a meeting at the organization’s headquarters in Zurich, outgoing president Sepp Blatter said he felt Canada’s distinguished Senators were the right choice to fill the gaps left by the recently arrested FIFA execs.

“Let’s face it,” Blatter told colleagues, “with so many of us arrested recently, we need Canada’s Senators. Only they could fit so easily into this organization.”

Sources within FIFA say that while plans for reform are underway, until they are finalized, the organization needs leaders quickly. The preference, for continuity purposes, is to find individuals with a stated public commitment to fiscal integrity but who also posses a solid understanding of abusing positions of power by way of fiscal impropriety. This way the transition from old to new FIFA can be as seamless as possible.

“Until FIFA is able to put its fiscal house in order, it needs public figures who know how to hide money and funnel it to funny places,” said the FIFA source, who requested anonymity.

“Otherwise FIFA will implode. It’s that simple.”

“Apparently in Canada you have a Senator who lived in one city but was able to collect money for claims that he lived on a little potato island,” he added, in an apparent reference to Mike Duffy and P.E.I.

“We need that type of ingenuity and chutzpah.”

 The challenge now for FIFA will be selecting which Canadian Senators are best suited to the organization’s need. With the impending release of the Auditor General’s report into inappropriate Senate expenses, there is a long list of Senators who might soon be on the job market.Conservative Senator Pierre-Hugues Boisvenu, whose case has already been referred to the RCMP, thinks there will be stiff competition for spots on the FIFA board.

“I think FIFA is one of the few organizations that will be looking to hire disgraced Senators. A lot of us are working on our CVs. This is potentially a great day for football, or soccer, or whatever it’s called.”