Fox to Launch News Channel for Kiddies


NEW YORK — Facing an aging viewing audience losing their hearing and eyesight, Fox News is set to launch a 24-hour news channel for pre-teens.

“Sesame Street is the sort of liberal fairy crap kids are watching today,” Fox News owner Ruper Murdoch told Fox News entertainer Bill O’Reilly in making the announcement on-air today.

“Liberals dressed up in goof-ass costumes prancing around filling kids’ heads with garbage about how special they are and how even Muslim and homosexual children are just the same as them and how the letter ‘E’ stands for ‘Environment’ and they should be kind to it.”

“Bah! America’s proud youth need a hard smack of reality. Fox is going to give them a Fair and Balanced view of the real world.”

Audience tracking numbers show that Fox News is facing a steep decline in viewership as more and more of their viewers pass away or move into nursing homes that don’t have cable.

2012 numbers show that 97,186,000 households regularly tuned into Fox News but February 2014 viewship has dropped to 64,403,000 with 87% being retired, unemployed, or never employed.

Murdoch announced the new station’s partial lineup:

“Democrats are Silly” – Megyn Kelly
“Fox and BFFs” – Elizabeth Hasselbeck
“LOL with Hannity” – Sean Hannity
“Facts Are Your Friend” – Bill O’Reilly.

“Look. Studies have shown that your average 4-year-old is already smarter than a dolphin or a Labrador Retriever,” said Murdoch, an Australian billionaire who is also the majority shareholder in the religious chicken-and-biscuits restaurant chain, Chick-fil-A .

“We need to pry their brains and eyeballs away from left-wing propaganda while they’re still moldable.”

“Big Bird is a liberal mouthpiece.”

“And don’t even get me started on that movie ‘Frozen’ with its global warming bullshit.”

Kareem Akil
Reportering for The Lapine



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