France Preemptively Surrenders to Russia

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Francois Hollande PARIS – In a move that stunned the diplomatic world and added a new complication to the crisis in Ukraine, French President Francois Hollande announced today that he had been in contact with Russian President Vladimir Putin to surrender.

“There are times to fight and times to stand down,” Hollande told Reuters after announcing the surprising waving of the white flag.

“We French know the difference.”

Reactions from around the world to the announcement were swift:

– Russian President Vladimir Putin posted a smiley face on his Facebook page.

– German Chancellor Angela Merkel called the move “shocking and a whole bunch of stupid.”

– British Prime Minister David Cameron, when told of the news by a BBC reporter, asked first if he was on some sort of prank joke show. When told he was not, he simply said, “I’m fucking gobsmacked! What the bloody, bloody hell?” and stormed off.

– White House spokesman Josh Earnest told media that the President was currently speaking with President Hollande, and indicated they had received no prior notice of France’s “sissy move.”

– Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper answered a question about France’s surrender by saying that “the Canadian economy is the strongest among the G8 countries”, which puzzled the hell out of the reporter.

The crisis in Ukraine is 1,357 miles (2,184 k) away from France and all experts agree that there was absolutely no threat to France.

As Donald Croft, political reporter at the New York Times, put it in summing up the general consensus of the threat: “Le hahahaha.”

Dan LeHomme
Reportering for The Lapine

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