Frustrated Sanders Defecates on Hillary’s Limousine Outside a Bojangles Chicken n’ Biscuits
WASHINGTON — An emotional Hillary Clinton stunned reporters this afternoon by disclosing that Bernie Sanders had been caught dropping his pants and having an angry bowel movement on the hood of her limousine.
Fighting back tears and at times her voice faltering, Clinton expressed outrage and said she was “put off her food” by Sander’s behavior.
“For him to have shat on my limousine, the limousine that my husband and I and other members of my family employ on a daily basis defies verbal description. He might as well have yanked my Spanx down to my ankles right here on stage in front of the entire world,” said an angry Clinton.
The incident occurred shortly after 9 p.m. last night. Sanders was arrested this morning by the Secret Service and is currently awaiting an arraignment in the County of Baltimore.
“I just popped into Bojangles to share a quick 20-piece Jumbo Tailgate chicken dinner with my husband…the former President,” the former Madame Secretary stated.
“After we finished, we walked out to the limo and I noticed steam coming from the front hood. At first, I thought the radiator had blown. But, no, instead we found a steaming curly turd winking at us on the front hood. Bernie must have eaten at a Japanese restaurant within the last 24 hours…there was like this kelp or seaweed entwined in the stool. My husband Bill lost it.”
“Bernie Sanders is a degenerate. And, I will never buy Vermont Cheddar again. Ever,” the 42nd President declared.
“You know, being the President of the free world is probably the toughest job on the planet…next to raising Chelsea.”
“Is this the kind of President we want? What’s he going to do, take a pooh in the middle of the Oval Office if things don’t go his way? Is he going to take a hockey on Mitch-the-Bitch McConnell’s Florsheim loafers as they debate domestic policy?”
When asked by officials for an explanation, Sanders had this to say:
“I am entirely fed up with the inherent inequality in this nation. I see it in the faces of the young people as I travel across this nation. It is evident in the Super Delegate system itself. And last night, I took a simple stand.”
“I took a dump.”
Timothy C. Merritt
Reportering for The Lapine