Future History Student Doesn’t Understand 21st Century


NEW JING, 2333AD-  Future history student Muhamed Jose Chang is struggling to understand the United States of the 21st century, the nation Selucia itself is descended from.

“I really don’t understand how intelligent, high-functioning and fully educated adults could have made the decisions they did. I mean my class, ‘Hist 324 the ebbing of Pax America’ is just hard to relate too. It covers the period after a group of radicals carried out a successful attack on some government buildings. A small group of dedicated and intelligent adults, meticulous planners all, who somehow also believed they would both die and receive seventy-two virgins in the attack?

Then in response, after going to war, their opponents, also educated, high-functioning and unquestionably intelligent adults renamed a common snack food freedom fries because, well I dunno it must have sounded less stupid than selling out their entire environment. Like they had the facts, they knew what they were doing, that the climate was changing and did nothing, like what? They must have known how many people would die but JUST DIDN”T FUCKING CARE!

And then after it turns out that in the close run up for the position of president, the highest leadership position of the nation, one of the contestants who almost won believed that he had to wear magic underwear to go to a magical heaven. And over FORTY-SEVEN percent of voters voted for him!

Sober educated judges of sound mind in the same country, which by the way had risen through brilliant technological and scientific innovation to become the undisputed hegemon of that period, gave rapists parental rights in 48 of the 50 states that made up the confederation. Like seriously what the fuck, and did you know that they made transvaginal ultrasounds mandatory in many states: to protect life and DIGNITY? Like what the fuck!

I mean, my professor says that people are the same and these people were just as intelligent and as us but I don’t get it? And did they really make their bread and cheese-based dish ‘pizza’ a vegetable? I just don’t get it, these were intelligent high-functioning adults and this is what they did?

In class we were reading old newspaper articles to try and get a feel for the times and I read one about the United States returning a gay panda back to China, or maybe that was  ‘Canada’, I dunno it just doesn’t make sense and I give up trying to figure it out. Crazy fucking history. Just doesn’t make sense.”



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