Muzzled Scientists Send Harper a Klondike Bar


Klondike-Bar-SizedOTTAWA – It arrived at 24 Sussex Drive in an Ottawa Senators’ picnic cooler with a simple note duck-taped to the lid.

“What would you do for a Klondike Bar, Mr Harper?”

After several minutes of panic by heavily-armed RCMP security, the cooler was x-ray scanned and then examined by explosives experts before being taken inside the Prime Minister’s official residence.


Inside was a letter and a Klondike Bar.

The frozen ice cream and chocolate wafer novelty was sent by a group of environmental scientists and researchers who are frustrated and angry that the Harper government has totally barred them from talking to reporters about their work.

“The bugger has his breakfast fish sticks tested for toxins but we can’t talk about real fish?” an anonymous lab technician told the Globe and Mail. “We can’t talk about the air, the water, two-headed calves, what’s in the orange powder in Kraft Dinner. We’re 100% gagged.”


The letter included in the ice cooler was signed by 27 leading Canadian scientists telling the Prime Minister that there were “plenty more Klondike Bars where that one came from” and asking him to lift his gag order on them and allow them to share their findings with tax-payers and the larger scientific world.

“I was asked to comment on the recent rash of beaver attacks on people,” said one rodentologist who asked that her name be withheld. “I couldn’t even say dam, damn it.”

Mr. Harper’s office firmly controls all government communications for Ministers, Cabinet members, and MPs, but now does not allow any scientists to talk to any media on any issue at any time without the PM’s approval and then only in writing with the text provided by one of his writers, some of whom are outsourced in India.

The Prime Minister’s Office refused to comment on whether Mr. Harper received or ate the vanilla offering but a Conservative party Twitter message said “Bribing a Government Official” charges are being considered.

“The Prime Minister prefers Dilly Bars,” snapped one Harper aide at a CBC reporter who shouted out a version of the question scientists are asking, “What will he do with this Klondike Bar?”

Rowyn Murdoch
Reportering for The Lapine



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