Gay Panda Sent Back to China
TORONTO – Hopes that the two pandas on loan to Canada for a decade would breed were dealt a setback after Toronto Zoo staff noticed male panda Da Mao hugging himself and dancing to Justin Bieber music he overheard coming from a visiting teeny bopper’s iPhone.
“I’m sure Da Mao is a very nice panda but he’s 150 kilos of hairy gayism (350 lbs),” said Dr. Maria Franke, Toronto Zoo Curator of Black and White Mammals. “A very cute, endangered kind of gayism but not interested in romancing up any baby pandas at all.”
When told of Da Mao’s leaning, Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his acting Chief of Staff, Stephen Harper, immediately Skyped Chinese President Xi Jinping (pronounced “kwalooo”) who agreed to honor the warranty and provide a replacement panda.
The homosexual bear was flown back to Beijing on a regularly scheduled Air Canada flight and Woot Woot, a 7-year-old panda who has fathered three babies, is scheduled to arrive within weeks.
“Woot Woot is an honorable, straight swordsman for sure,” said Hung Ya Ya, spokesperson for the People’s Panda Proliferation Program (PPPP).
The 4-year-old Da Mao and 5-year-old female Er Shun were to spend five years in Toronto and five years at the Calgary Zoo in the hopes that they would fall in love and copulate during the annual 11-minute period when female pandas are fertile. Those hopes first started to disappear when Da Mao would not let go of a fuzzy lilac blanket he stole from Er Shun.
“I have never heard of a gay panda but I guess gays come in all shapes, sizes and species,” said Dr. Franke. “We wish him well and hope he finds a lad to love.”
The Harper Government worked hard to arrange the loan of the pair, including signing a trade agreement that guarantees Chinese corporations all the rights they are afforded in China when doing business in Canada.
Scandal-beleagured Toronto Mayor Rob Ford issued a brief media statement denying he has ever been gay.
Reportering for The Lapine